Why Does Collaborative Divorce Work? — Can I Trust the Process?

Nicole Pace, Collaborative Divorce Coach
Nicole Pace, Collaborative Divorce Coach

The collaborative divorce process is designed for couples who want to separate respectfully and thoughtfully. Instead of working against each other, divorcing spouses work with a team of professionals—legal, mental health, and financial—who are all focused on helping them reach agreements that support both spouses and, most importantly, their children.

Divorce naturally brings a lot of uncertainty. It often requires a shift in how people think about their future, which can feel overwhelming. It’s common for anxiety, suspicion, or distrust to surface—especially if communication has already been difficult. In that kind of emotional space, it’s fair to wonder: Can I really trust a collaborative process?

Understanding the Collaborative Divorce Team

One helpful way to build trust is to understand who’s involved and what they’re there to do. While each professional comes from a different background, everyone shares the same goal: helping both people move forward in a way that feels respectful and sustainable.

Why Professionals Choose This Process

The professionals in the St. Louis Collaborative Family Law Association have seen divorce from the litigated perspective and from the collaborative perspective. The attorneys have negotiated in the shadow of the courthouse or have sometimes had to try cases to attempt to get the best outcome for their clients. Financial professionals have helped people rebuild after divorce or served as experts in high-conflict cases. Mental health professionals have supported adults and children through the emotional strain that often comes with divorce. Over time, many of us have seen how a “me vs. you” or “win–lose” approach can leave lasting stress and can even bring harm to members of the family.

That’s a big part of why we choose to do this work differently.

The collaborative process gives us a way to support families in making really hard decisions in a more respectful and less adversarial way. We know that even though the structure of a family is changing, the relationships don’t just go away, especially when children are involved.

Our focus is on helping you move forward in a thoughtful, supported way. That might mean looking at creative financial solutions, leaning on each person’s expertise (including yours), and making sure both voices are heard along the way. We also keep an eye on the future and help parents build the best co-parenting relationship they can, making space for children to feel supported and understood throughout the process.

Specialized Training Matters

All collaborative professionals are trained as mediators, but this is not a traditional mediation process. We also receive specific training in communication, unique problem-solving and conflict resolution approaches, and teamwork. This shared foundation allows us to work together effectively and to keep the process centered on each person’s goals and on cooperation rather than conflict.

We’re not just focused on legal or financial outcomes; we’re also mindful of the emotional impact on you and your family. The goal is to support the whole picture, not just one piece of it. Our role is to guide conversations, reduce tension, and help you explore options together. Rather than pushing decisions, we aim to support you in finding solutions that reflect your shared goals. This approach often leads to more thoughtful, lasting agreements.

Our Commitment

At its core, the collaborative divorce process is about creating a space where both people can feel heard, respected, and supported. The focus stays on what matters most: finding the best possible outcome for your family.

Choosing the collaborative path means choosing a more thoughtful, team-based approach to divorce—one that values communication, respect, and long-term well-being. The professionals doing this work share the hope and goal of guiding you through it with care and professionalism so you can move forward with confidence.

Prenuptial Agreements and the Collaborative Process

St. Louis Collaborative Member, Susan Amato

If you are considering marriage and are bringing substantial assets or income into the relationship, or have children from a prior relationship, you may be considering whether you should have a prenuptial agreement.

Prenuptial agreements have two main purposes:. one is to define and protect specific assets and income in the event of a divorce, and the other is to make provisions regarding estate planning outside of what would be presumed under law without the prenuptial agreement. Negotiating a prenuptial agreement may take more time than you anticipate, and it is always best to complete it well before the wedding date. Therefore, if you are considering a prenuptial agreement, you should consult with a lawyer before the wedding date is set.

Discussing divorce and detailed financial issues at a time when a couple would prefer to be focused on wedding planning and their new life together can be difficult. Sending proposals back and forth between lawyers is not an ideal way to start a life together. In contrast to typical prenuptial agreement negotiations, negotiating your agreement through the collaborative process can support you and your fiancé through these conversations in a way that lays the groundwork for mutual understanding and successful communication about financial and other difficult issues throughout your marriage.

When you use the Collaborative Law Process for a prenuptial agreement, each prospective spouse will need to engage the support of a collaboratively trained attorney. Depending on the circumstances, you may also jointly engage a mental health coach and a financial neutral. This professional team meets with you and helps you communicate effectively to reach mutually beneficial agreements that reflect your shared values and goals. Unlike typical prenuptial negotiations, which can feel transactional or defensive, the collaborative process encourages you to communicate openly about your finances, expectations, and plans, fosters trust by involving both of you equally in the process, and creates a safe space for you to discuss sensitive topics. Once  you agree to terms, the lawyers will draft the prenuptial agreement, and once you and your partner have reviewed and approved it, you will sign it, often with more confidence and understanding than if you had negotiated using a traditional method.

A collaborative prenuptial agreement isn’t just a legal document; it’s a relationship tool, helping you start your marriage with shared goals and shared commitments for your joint future.

Paying for college after divorce

            College costs and expenses constitute one of the largest shared financial obligations parents meet for their children.  When parents have worked through a collaborative divorce before a child enters college, they are in a strong position to cooperate, plan for college costs, and divide those costs between them.  The parents can be financially prepared, and their children can have a positive college experience free of many of the stresses that plague the college-bound children of other separated parents.

            College costs are more than just tuition.  They can also include administrative fees, books and supplies, room and board, travel, spending money for routine living expenses, and other incidental costs.  Depending on a child’s interests, the parents may also need to discuss whether they will contribute to:

If one parent is paying child support that will continue into that child’s college years, the parents can also plan for whether some of that support will be paid directly to the child to defray some of the child’s day-to-day expenses or will be earmarked for specific college costs.

            The picture is not complete without considering any money that may come in from other sources.  The child may receive scholarships, work-study income, or grants, which may reduce the expenses that would otherwise be borne by the parents. 

            Parents – even divorced parents – are often expected to work together in applying for financial aid for their college-age children.  Maintaining a relationship through the collaborative process stands parents in better stead to cooperate down the road to maximize the available financial aid.

            The discussions about a child’s college attendance during divorce proceedings will vary in the level of detail depending upon how close the child is to college age.  Plans will necessarily be more concrete if a child is a high school senior than if she is in kindergarten. Whatever the timeline, anticipating the child’s educational needs in a collaborative setting provides everyone – including the child – with peace of mind about the future. 

            Contact one of the legal professionals in the Collaborative Family Law Association of St. Louis with any further questions about addressing college costs in the collaborative process.

Is Collaborative Divorce only for “friendly” divorces?

Most of what Americans know about divorce comes from three sources:  TV, movies, and friends who have been through it. Too often, the impression these sources leave is one of a high conflict, ugly, adversarial process that leaves the couple disliking each other even more than they did when they decided to split up.

Collaborative Divorce presents a very different picture, one in which divorcing families focus on their futures rather than on determining who is more at fault in causing the breakup.

The word collaborative suggests a process that will only work when spouses are able to talk through their differences without insults and argument. But can a Collaborative Divorce work when both spouses are angry at each other and struggle to engage with each other without shouting and tears?

Surprisingly, the answer is “yes.”

The Collaborative process begins with the philosophy that divorce is a problem to be solved and not a battle to be waged. Particularly when children are involved, using a process that helps a couple plan for a post-divorce life can be infinitely more productive than a court battle, and the team-based approach used in Collaborative Divorce helps keep the spouses’ eyes firmly on the road ahead, rather than the rearview mirror.

Because the Collaborative professional team includes mental health professionals in the roles of divorce coach and child specialist, each of the spouses can air their grievances about each other, but rather than turning those complaints into hand grenades to be hurled at the other “side,” those professionals, along with the lawyers and financial specialist, will redirect their clients’ attention to their family’s future.

The mental health professionals can also coordinate their support with professional counselors who may have history with the family and can help the couple understand that planning for a co-parenting future is far more important that determining who is “right” and who is “wrong.” These professionals also coach the couple on how to discuss difficult issues, both through selecting more effective language and, critically, through listening to each other.

Proceeding with a Collaborative Divorce doesn’t mean all the anger, sadness, and disappointment magically disappears. It does mean, however, that a specially trained team of professionals will be focused on guiding a family in pain towards a better future. That way, the healing can begin even before the divorce is over.

To determine whether a Collaborative Divorce will help your family, contact one of the professionals listed on this site.

March 3rd Through 9th Declared Divorce With Respect Week® In Missouri

Divorce With Respect Week® is a chance for couples to learn more about peaceful divorce options and how to divorce with respect by staying out of court.

The state of Missouri has proclaimed March 3-9 to be Divorce With Respect Week®. Divorce With Respect Week® is a chance for couples to learn more about peaceful divorce options and how to divorce with respect by staying out of court. 

Signed by the Missouri House of Representatives, the proclamation said that Collaborative Divorce allows couples more privacy in resolving their differences and is often less time consuming and expensive compared to litigated divorce. 

“We want to thank the state of Missouri for declaring it Divorce With Respect Week®,” said Attorney Jennifer Piper. “This initiative is so important for couples and people to know about because there is a better way to divorce out there, one that protects your peace and family." 

During Divorce With Respect Week® divorce professionals across Missouri are offering free virtual consultations for anyone interested in learning more about the divorce options that are available to them. This is the 4th annual Divorce With Respect Week® which is a national effort to inform more people about the benefits of the Collaborative Divorce process. 

Anyone interested in speaking to a divorce attorney, divorce financial expert, mental health professional or child specialist, during Divorce With Respect Week® should visit www.divorcewithrespectweek.com to book a free consultation with a divorce professional near them.

St Louis Collaborative Family Law Association Joins Divorce WIth Respect Week® 2025

St. Louis Collaborative Family Law Association is participating in Divorce With Respect Week®   from March 3-9, 2025, again this year. Members at St. Louis Collaborative Family Law Association will offer free 30-minute consultations during Divorce With Respect Week® for potential clients to learn more about their options for divorce. 

“During Divorce With Respect Week®, the St. Louis Collaborative Family Law Association is here to educate couples on how Collaborative Divorce can provide a positive path forward,” said Jennifer Piper. “ Our divorce professionals help divorcing couples in a way that prioritizes the well-being of the family.” 

Divorce With Respect Week® is a nationwide initiative that spreads awareness and educates people about the Collaborative Divorce process as an out court option for divorce. To learn more about Collaborative Divorce, or to book a free consultation with a member of the  St. Louis Collaborative Family Law Association, visit www.divorcewithrespectweek.com. where you will find a list of all participating professionals throughout the United States.   
St. Louis Collaborative Family Law Association is a not-for-profit group of independent divorce professionals. The goal is to work with couples to help them end their marriages respectfully by  providing emotional, legal, and financial divorce advice. Learn more about St. Louis Collaborative Family Law at https://stlouiscollaborativelaw.com/.

Long-Term Financial Planning for a Special Needs Child

Just as the Collaborative Process can provide parents with the necessary time and space to make long-term custodial plans for a special needs child, it can also see parents through the early stages of financial planning for that child.

            Financial planning for a special needs child is complex, and every family’s situation needs to be evaluated individually and in detail.  Some of the possibilities that parents may consider – and plan for in advance – during the collaborative process include:

            Depending upon the answers to these questions, the parents may also want to consider whether it will be necessary to establish a conservatorship (a legal arrangement appointing someone to manage the child’s funds).  If so, as with a guardianship, the parents can reach an agreement laying out how the application for conservatorship will go forward, who the conservators will be, how costs for the application will be allocated, and the like.

            Having a special needs child presents parents with unique challenges for supporting their child, especially during and after a divorce.  In a non-collaborative arrangement, the parents often have more questions than answers, as they typically do not know what, if any, long-term financial arrangements the other parent has made for the disabled child.  The flexibility of the Collaborative Process gives parents the opportunity to answer those questions and ease some of those burdens through structured advanced financial planning, allowing the parents to move forward with confidence that they have developed a strategy to address their family’s ongoing support needs.

Why should I consider a Collaborative Divorce?

For those people who have never been through a divorce, most of their knowledge on this topic comes from one of two sources:  mass media (movies and tv) or friends and family. Too often, these glimpses into this legal process give too little information about what actually goes on as couples go through this financially and emotionally taxing experience.

Here are a few things you should know about traditional divorce:

How does the Collaborative Process (CP) change this picture?

CP recognizes that the traditional divorce process, which too often has the spouses lobbing angry accusations at each other, will leave the couple with few tools to navigate through the brave new world of post-marital life. CP professionals are specially trained to encourage divorcing couples to concentrate on what is truly important to them as they work towards peacefully resolving their divorce.

What is and is not modifiable in a divorce judgment?

We family law attorneys frequently are asked, “What parts of my judgment can be changed after my divorce is signed off on by the judge?”

Most of your divorce decree cannot be changed (unless there was a mistake or fraud) after it is signed off on by the judge. You can rely on the division of your property and debts, which is not modifiable. Some items, however, can be modified in the future:

  1. Child Support – Child support ALWAYS remains modifiable until no children are eligible for support. You cannot agree otherwise. Even if you put in writing that it will never be changed, either parent can always come back to court to request a modification if the circumstances of the children or parents change.
  2. Child Custody – Just like child support, child custody (both the schedule (physical custody) and the decision-making authority (legal custody)) ALWAYS remains modifiable until the last child reaches age eighteen.

There is one item that can be modifiable but is not always:  maintenance (also known as spousal support or alimony). Your judgment can include one of two types of maintenance:

  1. Non-Modifiable Term Maintenance – This is maintenance for a set period of a time (for example: for 18 months following the divorce).
  2. Modifiable Maintenance – This is maintenance of indefinite duration, but either spouse can return to court to ask that the amount be changed or that maintenance be terminated.

One of the benefits to the Collaborative Process is that you can come up with more creative agreements than a judge could ever order, and you can discuss the various ways to approach maintenance and what fits your family’s needs moving forward.

The Collaborative Process is also always open to you for a modification, whether you used Collaborative for your divorce or not. This process allows you to work amicably with the support of multiple professionals, rather than ending up back in court again.

This post is a simplified overview of complicated topics. If you would like to discuss these issues in more detail, please reach out to any of the legal professionals in the Collaborative Family Law Association of St. Louis.

Understanding retirement accounts and how we deal with them in divorce

In a typical divorce, the biggest assets are the family home and the couples’ retirement accounts. Here are a few things to understand about retirement accounts and what a couple’s options are for dealing with them in their divorce.

There are two main types of retirement accounts: 401(k)s and Individual Retirement Accounts (IRAs). While both kinds of accounts are used to save for retirement, there are some important differences.

401(k) plans are sponsored by employers whose employees can contribute pre-tax dollars to their 401(k) through paycheck deductions. The 401(k) distributions are taxed at the participant’s ordinary federal and state income tax rates. There is a 10% early withdrawal penalty if the distributions are taken out before age 59 ½. A participant can also contribute after-tax dollars through paycheck deductions into a Roth 401(k). Since these are after-tax contributions, Roth 401(k) distributions after the age of 59 ½ are not taxable. Many employers will match a portion of their employees’ 401(k) contributions.

401(k)s are divided in a marital dissolution case through a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO, pronounced “Quadro”). A QDRO directs the plan administrator to pay the non-employee spouse their portion of the 401(k). Generally, the non-employee spouse elects to have their portion of the 401(k) directly transferred to an IRA in their name. No taxes or penalties are due as a result of this transfer.

IRAs function very much like 401(k)s, but they are created by the individual directly rather than by the employer. Contributions to IRAs can only be made if the person has earned income. The two main types of IRAs are traditional and Roth IRAs. Contributions to traditional IRAs may be deductible on the individual’s income tax returns, subject to some income limitations. Contributions to Roth IRAs are not deductible on the individual’s income tax returns. Just as with 401(k)s, funds distributed from traditional IRAs are taxed at the individual’s ordinary federal and state income tax rates. Roth IRA distributions are not taxed because the contributions are not deductible on the individual tax returns. The 10% penalty on pre-age 59 ½ distributions applies to IRAs. That penalty doesn’t apply to Roth IRA distributions, except with regard to distributions of income earned on the account.

Just as with 401(k)s, IRAs can be divided as part of a divorce. They don’t, however, require a QDRO. Instead, the plan administrator will need a certified copy of the dissolution judgment. The transfer from the IRA owner to the non-owner spouse will generally be made into the recipient’s IRA, just as with a 401(k).

Understanding these concepts can help you achieve a more equitable result in your divorce.