Divorce or separation is challenging for children, especially when they must divide their time between two homes. Adjusting to life in two households requires open communication, cooperative language, a willingness to create consistent routines, recognition that children will have two homes, staying positive, coordinating schedules, reassurance, sensitivity to the children’s transitions, and sometimes professional support. In the Collaborative Process you will have a coach and a child specialist to help you and your co-parent think intentionally about these items, as each family’s requirements are unique.
Here’s how you can help your kids navigate this transition and ensure they feel secure and loved in both homes:
Open communication is key for helping your child adjust to two homes. Encourage your child to express their feelings and concerns. Let them know it’s okay to feel sad, confused, or even angry about the changes. Listen actively and validate their emotions without judgment. Open dialogue helps your child feel heard and understood, making the transition smoother.
Work with your co-parent to have an answer to the “Why are you getting divorced?” question. Sometimes kids, regardless of age, get frustrated and may ask this question more than once. The real questions might be, “Why is everything changing for me?” If you and the other parent have a shared answer, your children can feel reassured. It can be as simple as, “We needed to be living in a different way so we can be the best parents possible.” You will likely need to have more nuanced conversations at times.
Wherever possible, sharing set routines at both homes can provide a sense of stability, which is crucial when your child moves between two homes. Work with your co-parent to establish consistent routines, like bedtimes, meal times, homework schedules, and other daily activities. Consistency helps your child know what to expect, reducing anxiety and making them feel more secure. Not all routines need to be identical in both homes. You can tell your children, “Your mom/dad might do it differently, and that is okay; this is how I want to do it here.” Plan for areas of flexibility as they learn to navigate both environments.
Moving the children from one home to two may be easier for a parent who stays in what was the family home, so allowing the moving parent to have some of the bedroom furniture or the children’s items in the new home can ease the transition. You can let the kids move favorite toys, books, or blankets between the homes to help them feel at home both places. Let them have their own space, whether it’s a dedicated bedroom or a special corner with their belongings. Let them help pick out new items--sometimes simply a picture or a pillowcase--or let them pick a color for their room. This can help create a sense of ownership and comfort, making each home feel safe and welcoming.
Children take cues from their parents, so stay positive and cooperative when discussing the other parent or household. Remember that they are coping with these changes as children, not adults. Introducing adult issues, problems, or worries to them can be overwhelming in an already difficult time. Avoid negative talk or blame, which can create confusion and emotional distress. Instead, focus on fostering a respectful and cooperative co-parenting relationship. Having permission from each of you to accept and show love for the other parent can be comforting for children as they navigate all the changes.
Coordinate schedules with your co-parent so your child’s activities, school events, and social plans are well-managed. Use a shared calendar or app to keep track of important dates, making it easier to plan and avoid conflicts. Keeping your child’s schedule organized and transparent helps reduce stress for parents and child and ensures no-one misses out on important events.
During times of transition, children may worry about their place in the family. While you love them and miss them when they aren’t with you, they should also know you are okay when they are away. When they are with you, spend quality time together, whether it’s through shared activities, conversations, or just being present. Remind your child that they are loved unconditionally, no matter which home they’re in.
Moving between two homes can be stressful for children, especially initially. Help ease these transitions by creating a consistent routine for drop-offs and pick-ups. Give your child time to settle in when they arrive at a new home, and be patient as they adjust. Children of all ages can be forgetful, a problem that increases under stress. You and your co-parent can plan how to handle things that get left behind at the other’s home or that cannot be carried to and from school by your child. Encourage them to talk about their day or week and offer support if they seem anxious or upset.
If your child is struggling to adjust to two homes, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. A professional can provide a safe space for your child to express their feelings and offer coping strategies to help them manage the transition. Therapy can help a parent struggling to be their best self around the other parent.
Separation or divorce creates multiple challenging changes and adjustments. Taking care of yourself and keeping these tips in mind will make you a better parent.
