Why Does Collaborative Divorce Work? — Can I Trust the Process?

Nicole Pace, Collaborative Divorce Coach

The collaborative divorce process is designed for couples who want to separate respectfully and thoughtfully. Instead of working against each other, divorcing spouses work with a team of professionals—legal, mental health, and financial—who are all focused on helping them reach agreements that support both spouses and, most importantly, their children.

Divorce naturally brings a lot of uncertainty. It often requires a shift in how people think about their future, which can feel overwhelming. It’s common for anxiety, suspicion, or distrust to surface—especially if communication has already been difficult. In that kind of emotional space, it’s fair to wonder: Can I really trust a collaborative process?

Understanding the Collaborative Divorce Team

One helpful way to build trust is to understand who’s involved and what they’re there to do. While each professional comes from a different background, everyone shares the same goal: helping both people move forward in a way that feels respectful and sustainable.

Attorneys
Collaborative attorneys often come from traditional court-based practice but choose this approach because it allows for more thoughtful, mutually beneficial solutions—especially when children are involved.
Mental Health Professionals
These professionals support the emotional side of the process. They help improve communication, reduce conflict, and offer tools to manage the stress that comes with major life changes.
Financial Professionals
Financial experts bring clarity to what can otherwise feel overwhelming. They help couples understand their financial picture, which will allow them to make informed decisions for both the short and long term.

Why Professionals Choose This Process

The professionals in the St. Louis Collaborative Family Law Association have seen divorce from the litigated perspective and from the collaborative perspective. The attorneys have negotiated in the shadow of the courthouse or have sometimes had to try cases to attempt to get the best outcome for their clients. Financial professionals have helped people rebuild after divorce or served as experts in high-conflict cases. Mental health professionals have supported adults and children through the emotional strain that often comes with divorce. Over time, many of us have seen how a “me vs. you” or “win–lose” approach can leave lasting stress and can even bring harm to members of the family.

That’s a big part of why we choose to do this work differently.

The collaborative process gives us a way to support families in making really hard decisions in a more respectful and less adversarial way. We know that even though the structure of a family is changing, the relationships don’t just go away, especially when children are involved.

Our focus is on helping you move forward in a thoughtful, supported way. That might mean looking at creative financial solutions, leaning on each person’s expertise (including yours), and making sure both voices are heard along the way. We also keep an eye on the future and help parents build the best co-parenting relationship they can, making space for children to feel supported and understood throughout the process.

Specialized Training Matters

All collaborative professionals are trained as mediators, but this is not a traditional mediation process. We also receive specific training in communication, unique problem-solving and conflict resolution approaches, and teamwork. This shared foundation allows us to work together effectively and to keep the process centered on each person’s goals and on cooperation rather than conflict.

We’re not just focused on legal or financial outcomes; we’re also mindful of the emotional impact on you and your family. The goal is to support the whole picture, not just one piece of it. Our role is to guide conversations, reduce tension, and help you explore options together. Rather than pushing decisions, we aim to support you in finding solutions that reflect your shared goals. This approach often leads to more thoughtful, lasting agreements.

Our Commitment

At its core, the collaborative divorce process is about creating a space where both people can feel heard, respected, and supported. The focus stays on what matters most: finding the best possible outcome for your family.

Choosing the collaborative path means choosing a more thoughtful, team-based approach to divorce—one that values communication, respect, and long-term well-being. The professionals doing this work share the hope and goal of guiding you through it with care and professionalism so you can move forward with confidence.

When should we tell the kids we are getting divorced?

The question of when and how to discuss divorce with our kids looms large for many parents going through a contested, amicable, or Collaborative Divorce. Some struggle to find the “right” time to bring it up. Some delay telling their kids because they themselves have yet to figure out the details of how their lives will change. Most people believe that if they can give their kids a concrete picture of what to expect, the news will be easier to digest. Some simply dread the thought of upsetting their kids and they procrastinate.

All of this is understandable. As your Collaborative Child Specialist, I take it as further evidence of your love for your kids. But I am also confident we can find a way through each of these concerns.

There really is not a “right” time to give anyone tough news. There might be some wrong times, such as their birthday, a major holiday, the morning of their senior prom. And it is crucial that you both be certain you are getting a divorce before you tell your kids about it. But, for the most part, it matters more that you find the right way to talk to them than that you find the right moment.

The first time you talk to your kids about your divorce really shouldn’t be your last time you talk about it. So, it is okay if the only concrete things you convey to your kids are that (1) you are getting divorced, (2) you love them and will work together to take care of them, always, and (3) you aren’t yet sure exactly what everyone’s schedule will be, but you will tell them as soon as you do. In other words, most kids can handle logistical uncertainty so long as they are afforded relational security.

There are some risks to delaying this news. Kids are keen observers of their parents. For example, kids notice when their parents are distant or tense or covertly trading shifts at home. And sometimes, avoiding discussion of the elephant in the room creates more distress for kids that discussing it directly and supportively does.

Don’t get me wrong: it is hard for kids to hear that their parents are divorcing. Divorce is a big deal and it involves a lot of change and you should anticipate some upset feelings. But feeling sad is not the same thing as being scarred. You can deliver this news to them in a way that shows them you are here to support them, even if they are initially mad, sad, and confused. And if you proceed through your divorce and beyond in a manner that is consistent with that show of support, you’re likely to prevent any lasting harm.

Should you choose to use a collaborative approach to your divorce, you will have the benefit of working with a Child Specialist who can help tailor an answer to this next large-looming question: whenever it is that we tell them, what exactly should we say?

What does a Parenting Coordinator do in Missouri?

In Missouri, after a court enters a parenting plan, parents frequently have difficulty making agreements. A parenting coordinator (“PC”) can help. The PC helps parents reach agreements on important matters, such as medical, extracurricular activities, and scheduling issues. If parents cannot reach an agreement, the PC can make decisions for them.

A PC’s role is like that of a mediator, but the PC can go beyond facilitating conversations. The PC can make binding decisions quickly, especially in urgent situations, such as medical care for a child or an imminent schedule dispute or change. Courts often take months to resolve issues that a PC can resolve in days.

When is a Parenting Coordinator appropriate?

A PC appointment order may be entered along with a judgment that includes a parenting plan, and when parents are in high conflict and have difficulty agreeing, where there have been repeated legal actions, or when mental health or substance abuse monitoring is appropriate.

How can a Parenting Coordinator help?

Mediation and conflict resolution: A PC mediates disputes between parents, helping them improve communication to reach resolutions and prioritizing the children’s well-being. While they can’t change child support or the long-term parenting schedule, they can help with one-time schedule changes for special events or with less urgent matters, like deciding on a child’s participation in extracurricular activities or interpreting the parenting plan.
Decision-making authority: If parents are unable to come to an agreement, the Parenting Coordinator can make the decision. A PC’s decisions are immediate and enforceable in such areas as:
- when changes in a “step-up” parenting schedule are to occur;
- amounts owed for health and extracurricular expenses;
- appropriate health care and counseling for the children and parents;
- alcohol assessment and drug testing;
- attendance at activities, meetings, and health appointments.
Issue resolution: The PC can determine:
- extracurricular activities;
- educational choices;
- childcare arrangements;
- medical care;
- child-related financial disputes.
Emergencies: The PC can make quick decisions for
- medical emergencies;
- immediate schedule or care issues.

Limitations.

A PC cannot:

change legal or physical custody;
change the overall schedule;
change financial terms;
enter new orders outside the scope of their authority.

Benefits of a Parenting Coordinator.

A PC can reduce stress in a high-conflict divorce by acting as a mediator and decision-maker. Other benefits include:

Efficiency: Swift resolutions.
Cost-effectiveness: Significant savings on legal fees.
Privacy: Parents can resolve disputes outside of the courtroom.
Improved communication: Mediation and coaching can help parents develop better communication, potentially leading to fewer conflicts.
Child-centered solutions: Decisions made by PCs prioritize the children’s well-being.

How does it work?

PCs can only be appointed by agreement of the parents and with an order signed by them, the PC, and the court.

As part of the collaborative process, you can:

agree to have a PC appointed;
interview the PC together or separately;
if appropriate, involve the PC in the drafting of your parenting plan and PC appointment order.

Conclusion.

A Parenting Coordinator can help parents resolve ongoing parenting issues without the need for repeated court intervention. The Parenting Coordinator can handle issues the court is not able to address and offers timely, cost-effective, and child-focused solutions. Parenting coordination promotes a less adversarial co-parenting dynamic, reduces the burden on courts, and ensures the child’s best interests remain the parents’ central focus.