Top 10 Things NOT to Say About Your Coparent: Protecting Your Children’s Well-Being through a Collaborative Divorce

Collaborative Divorce Professional Dr. Catherine Hassler
Collaborative Divorce Professional, Dr. Catherine Hassler

Divorce and separation are difficult for everyone involved, but children are especially vulnerable to the emotional fallout. One of the most important ways parents can support their children is by being mindful of what they say about their coparent. Negative comments can damage a child’s relationship with both parents and affect their emotional health for years to come. In Missouri, a Collaborative Divorce can help protect your childern by fostering a postive relationship with you coparent.

Here are the top ten things NOT to say about your coparent to your children:

1. “Your mom/dad doesn’t care about you.”

Why it’s harmful: Children naturally seek love and approval from both parents. Suggesting that one parent doesn’t care can make a child feel unloved, insecure, or even responsible for the perceived lack of affection. This can lead to anxiety, depression, or behavioral issues as they try to “earn” love or internalize blame.

What to do instead: Reassure your child that both parents love them, even if you express it differently. Encourage open communication and remind them that the divorce is not their fault.

2. “Your mom/dad is the reason our family broke up.”

Why it’s harmful: Assigning blame puts your child in the middle of adult conflicts and can create feelings of guilt, confusion, or anger. Children may feel pressured to take sides or feel responsible for fixing things.


What to do instead: Emphasize that divorce is a complex, adult decision and not anyone’s fault, especially not the children’s. Focus on moving forward and supporting your child’s adjustment.

3. “You’re just like your mom/dad.”

Why it’s harmful: Even if not intended as an insult, this phrase can be interpreted as criticism, especially if said in anger. It can make your child feel that their personality or behavior is inherently flawed, damaging their self-esteem and sense of identity.

What to do instead: Celebrate your child’s unique qualities. If you notice a challenging behavior, address it specifically without comparing them to your coparent.

4. “Your mom/dad always lies.”

Why it’s harmful: Accusing your coparent of dishonesty undermines your child’s trust in their other parent and can create confusion about whom to believe. It may also teach your child to distrust or manipulate.

What to do instead: If there’s a conflict in information, calmly say, “Sometimes adults remember things differently,” and encourage your child to talk openly with both parents.

5. “I wish I never met your mom/dad.”

Why it’s harmful: This statement can make your child feel like a mistake or unwanted, since they are the product of your relationship. It can wound their sense of self-worth and belonging.

What to do instead: Affirm that, despite the challenges, you are grateful for your child and that they are a positive outcome of your relationship.

6. “Your mom/dad is crazy (or negative label).”

Why it’s harmful: Using derogatory language about your coparent’s mental health or behavior can frighten your child and make them anxious about their own well-being or future. It can also stigmatize mental health issues.

What to do instead: Avoid labels. If your coparent has mental health challenges that have been properly diagnosed by a professional who has met them, not due to your own beliefs or consultation with those who have not met them, explain their situation in age-appropriate ways, and focus on supporting your child’s feelings.

7. “Your mom/dad doesn’t pay for anything.”

Why it’s harmful: Discussing financial disputes with your child burdens them with adult concerns and can create loyalty conflicts or anxiety about money.

What to do instead: Keep financial matters between adults. Reassure your child that both parents are working to provide for them.

8. “Don’t tell your mom/dad about this.”

Why it’s harmful: Asking your child to keep secrets puts them in a difficult position and can erode trust with both parents. It teaches them that secrecy is acceptable and may lead to anxiety or guilt.

What to do instead: Foster open communication. If something needs to be kept private, it’s likely not appropriate to involve your child.

9. “Your mom/dad is always late/never shows up.”

Why it’s harmful: Criticizing your coparent’s reliability can make your child feel let down, anxious, or responsible for the other parent’s actions. It can also damage their hope and trust in relationships.

What to do instead: Acknowledge your child’s feelings if they’re disappointed, but avoid blaming. Say, “I know you’re sad. Sometimes plans change, but both of us love you.”

10. “I’m the only one who really loves you.”

Why it’s harmful: Claiming exclusive love forces your child to choose sides and can make them feel guilty for loving both parents. It can also create unhealthy dependency and emotional confusion.

What to do instead: Encourage your child’s relationship with both parents. Say, “You are lucky to have so many people who love you.”

Why It Matters:

Children thrive when they feel safe, loved, and free to have positive relationships with both parents. Negative comments about your coparent can cause emotional harm, loyalty conflicts, and long-term relationship issues. Instead, focus on supporting your children’s relationship with both parents, and seek help from professionals if you’re struggling to manage your feelings.

Remember:

Your child deserves the best from both parents. Protect their emotional health by keeping adult issues between adults, and always speak respectfully about your coparent in front of your child.

Why Have Two Mental Health Professionals on Your Collaborative Divorce Team? 

collaborative divorce coach Erika Ottolini

The collaborative divorce movement was started in 1990 by a lawyer who believed two lawyers and two clients at the same table could work productively for the entire family’s benefit. As the movement gained momentum, the attorneys realized that the addition of a mental health clinician as Divorce Coach would greatly benefit not only the clients trying to divorce amicably, but also the attorneys trying to manage the legal and socioemotional aspects of divorce. We call this the Lego model, as we begin with a foundation, and then additional pieces, in our case, professionals, are added to the team. 

In the St. Louis collaborative group, when children are involved, we add a second mental health professional, called a Child Specialist, who is solely dedicated to the needs of the children during the divorce process. Not every collaborative practice in every town does this, but in St. Louis, we have seen the benefits of having two mental health professionals on a team whenever children are involved. The two mental health professionals divide the labor to avoid overlap or redundancy. The Divorce Coach is there for the parents; the Child Specialist is there for the children. 

The two professionals collaborate when a parenting plan is being developed so that the needs of the children, with whom the Child Specialist has met, have been heard. We  have found that the capacity for healing increases exponentially when children, no matter what age, have been able to voice their concerns, preferences, wants, and needs. The Child Specialist then takes into consideration those concerns, needs, and wants and shares them with the parents and the Divorce Coach. 

The Child Specialist never guarantees that children get exactly what they want, but the sensation the children gain of feeling heard and being part of the process is hugely productive as a family begins their new chapter in two homes. This increase in healing is vital for the entire family and can be greatly aided when the children have been consulted, listened to, and their needs presented and advocated for by a Child Specialist.

If you or someone you know is interested in learning more about the collaborative divorce process or learning more about which professionals are on the team, please check out the Collaborative Family Law Association website (stlouiscollaborativelaw.com) for more information.

Emotional Intelligence in Divorce: How Mental Health Support Enhances Collaborative Outcomes

Divorce is often framed as a legal process, but anyone who has navigated it knows that emotions run deep. Anger, grief, fear, and anxiety are common responses that, if unaddressed, can complicate decision-making and strain family dynamics. This is where a mental health lens becomes invaluable, particularly in the collaborative divorce process.

Collaborative divorce is designed to prioritize cooperation over conflict. Unlike traditional litigation, which can fuel adversarial interactions, the collaborative process brings together legal professionals, financial specialists, and mental health professionals to guide couples toward thoughtful solutions. A key component of this approach is emotional intelligence— the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one’s own emotions while responding empathetically to others.

Mental health professionals play a unique role in fostering emotional intelligence during divorce. They provide a safe space for each partner to explore feelings and triggers, uncover underlying patterns in behavior, and gain insight into how past experiences influence current responses. This self-awareness allows individuals to communicate more effectively, listen more deeply, and approach negotiations with clarity rather than defensiveness.

In addition to supporting individual emotional growth, therapists also facilitate healthier co-parenting dynamics. Children are deeply affected by conflict between parents, and high-emotion exchanges can leave lasting scars. Mental health guidance helps couples anticipate emotional challenges, practice constructive communication, and develop parenting strategies that reduce stress and maintain stability for their children.

The benefits extend beyond emotional regulation. When individuals engage with a mental health professional during collaborative divorce, they are better equipped to make rational, well-informed decisions about finances, property, and parenting arrangements. They can approach settlement discussions with perspective and intentionality, rather than being swayed by reactive emotions.

Ultimately, integrating mental health support in collaborative divorce is about more than conflict resolution—it’s about promoting long-term well-being. Couples who embrace this approach often report feeling more empowered, less stressed, and more capable of maintaining respectful relationships post-divorce. By prioritizing emotional intelligence alongside legal strategy, collaborative divorce offers a pathway that safeguards not only the interests of the individuals involved but also the emotional health of the entire family.

What does a Parenting Coordinator do in Missouri?

In Missouri, after a court enters a parenting plan, parents frequently have difficulty making agreements. A parenting coordinator (“PC”) can help. The PC helps parents reach agreements on important matters, such as medical, extracurricular activities, and scheduling issues. If parents cannot reach an agreement, the PC can make decisions for them.

A PC’s role is like that of a mediator, but the PC can go beyond facilitating conversations. The PC can make binding decisions quickly, especially in urgent situations, such as medical care for a child or an imminent schedule dispute or change. Courts often take months to resolve issues that a PC can resolve in days.

When is a Parenting Coordinator appropriate?

A PC appointment order may be entered along with a judgment that includes a parenting plan, and when parents are in high conflict and have difficulty agreeing, where there have been repeated legal actions, or when mental health or substance abuse monitoring is appropriate.  

How can a Parenting Coordinator help?

Limitations.

A PC cannot:

Benefits of a Parenting Coordinator.

A PC can reduce stress in a high-conflict divorce by acting as a mediator and decision-maker. Other benefits include:

How does it work?

PCs can only be appointed by agreement of the parents and with an order signed by them, the PC, and the court.  

As part of the collaborative process, you can:

Conclusion.

A Parenting Coordinator can help parents resolve ongoing parenting issues without the need for repeated court intervention. The Parenting Coordinator can handle issues the court is not able to address and offers timely, cost-effective, and child-focused solutions. Parenting coordination promotes a less adversarial co-parenting dynamic, reduces the burden on courts, and ensures the child’s best interests remain the parents’ central focus.

Paying for college after divorce

            College costs and expenses constitute one of the largest shared financial obligations parents meet for their children.  When parents have worked through a collaborative divorce before a child enters college, they are in a strong position to cooperate, plan for college costs, and divide those costs between them.  The parents can be financially prepared, and their children can have a positive college experience free of many of the stresses that plague the college-bound children of other separated parents.

            College costs are more than just tuition.  They can also include administrative fees, books and supplies, room and board, travel, spending money for routine living expenses, and other incidental costs.  Depending on a child’s interests, the parents may also need to discuss whether they will contribute to:

If one parent is paying child support that will continue into that child’s college years, the parents can also plan for whether some of that support will be paid directly to the child to defray some of the child’s day-to-day expenses or will be earmarked for specific college costs.

            The picture is not complete without considering any money that may come in from other sources.  The child may receive scholarships, work-study income, or grants, which may reduce the expenses that would otherwise be borne by the parents. 

            Parents – even divorced parents – are often expected to work together in applying for financial aid for their college-age children.  Maintaining a relationship through the collaborative process stands parents in better stead to cooperate down the road to maximize the available financial aid.

            The discussions about a child’s college attendance during divorce proceedings will vary in the level of detail depending upon how close the child is to college age.  Plans will necessarily be more concrete if a child is a high school senior than if she is in kindergarten. Whatever the timeline, anticipating the child’s educational needs in a collaborative setting provides everyone – including the child – with peace of mind about the future. 

            Contact one of the legal professionals in the Collaborative Family Law Association of St. Louis with any further questions about addressing college costs in the collaborative process.

Nesting – Sharing Parenting Time, and Living Space

When you and your partner make the difficult decision to physically separate, often the next big decision is how you will share parenting time with the children.  One option to consider is “nesting.”

Nesting describes a parenting arrangement in which parents divide their time between a shared “kid home” and another, separate parent-only living space.  Typically, the parents spend time with their children under a set schedule, but instead of pinging the children back and forth between two separate homes, the children remain in the “kid home” while the parents move in and out according to their designated days.

PROSCONS
Minimizes disruption and change for children.  Parents may experience a lack of privacy
Children do not have to carry items back and forth between two homesSharing a living space (one that may still contain remnants of the past) with a former partner may take an emotional toll on parents  
Preserves the continuity of home base for the childrenNesting may complicate parents’ personal lives if they start dating, as the arrangement may create awkwardness and discomfort  
Can minimize or delay the financial impact of having to immediately support two householdsMay require more planning, outside of parenting, for the management of the home (cleaning, groceries, supplies for home, home maintenance, etc.)  
Can minimize the financial impact if the parents only need to maintain one home that meets the children’s needs (size, number of bedrooms, location, school district, etc.)  Could be more financially burdensome if both parents must maintain a separate living space and the shared home.
Shifts the burden of having to move between two homes from the children to the parentsChildren may still struggle with the emotional weight of living in a house filled with memories of their once-united family  

Nesting is a child-centric approach to parenting time that prioritizes stability for children and minimizes the numerous changes children are burdened with during and after divorce.  Successful nesting requires trust and respect between co-parents and a history of low conflict, effective communication.

While there is no one-size-fits-all approach to dividing parenting time, the options available through the traditional court process are limited, and there is risk that a court-imposed cookie-cutter parenting schedule may not respect your family’s unique qualities, priorities, challenges, and values. 

The collaborative divorce process allows parents to explore options outside the confines of the traditional court-process. Collaborative divorce prioritizes peaceful resolution and the preservation of a working relationship between parents. Parents’ concerns and interests are shared openly, and children are given a voice in the process as well. Every issue, including parenting time, is approached with the shared goal of reaching resolution while reducing the traumatic experience of divorce for parents and children. With the multifaceted team of collaborative professionals, parents can assess whether a nesting arrangement meets the needs of their unique family.

Mediation or Collaboration – How do I choose?

Divorce Mediation and the Collaborative Divorce Process are alternatives to adversarial litigation that will support you and your spouse in avoiding court battles and resolving your divorce as amicably as possible. While both processes share that goal, they vary in some important respects.  You should choose the process that provides you the help that you need to best meet your goal of an amicable resolution, recognizing that, while additional professional assistance can add to the cost, failure to reach a successful resolution may be the most financially and emotionally expensive outcome of all.

Every divorce requires you to deal with multiple issues involving property, income, support, and, if you have them, children. To succeed in a non-adversarial process, consider whom you need at the table to successfully negotiate all these issues.

Mediation

If you select mediation, the mediator will be “at the table” with you. An experienced divorce mediator will

The mediator will not

You can choose to confer with your own lawyer between mediation sessions.[1] A lawyer can only represent one spouse, so often both spouses elect to have a lawyer to advise them. Your lawyers will submit your settlement documents to the court, and you will not need to appear for a hearing. A lawyer can only represent one spouse, so often both spouses elect to have lawyers to advise them and to process the divorce through the court, once a settlement is reached.

Mediation is confidential, takes place on your schedule, and is cost effective. However, if either spouse needs help understanding the finances, if the spouses have unequal negotiating skills, or if you are dealing with complex issues such as substance abuse, mental health or emotional problems, or even if one of you is not comfortable negotiating without your lawyer present, the Collaborative process may be a better alternative.

Collaborative Divorce

Collaborative divorce employs a team of professionals committed to working together to guide you through negotiations and to resolution. Each spouse has a trained Collaborative attorney to provide legal advice and support. A mental health professional (“divorce coach”) assists with communication, navigating the emotional process of divorce and negotiating parenting issues; a child specialist ensures that the children’s needs are heard and addressed; and a financial professional helps to gather, analyze, and aid you in understanding financial and tax issues. Who is “at the table” depends on the agenda for the day. At times, you will meet with just your spouse and a neutral professional. You will also meet with your own lawyer for legal and negotiation advice. All are generally at the table for major decisions. Once you reach an agreement, the lawyers will manage the court non-contested divorce process and assist you in putting the terms of the settlement in place. Even after the judgment is entered, the divorce coach and child specialist are available for assistance with parenting concerns.

As with mediation, the Collaborative process is confidential and takes place on your schedule. Collaborative divorce adds skilled professionals to assist you towards settlement and addresses the emotional, financial, and legal issues related to divorce. The Collaborative process can be appropriate for even the most complex of legal, emotional, and financial situations.

Choosing the Right Option

Mediation and the Collaborative process both offer private and confidential methods to cooperatively navigate the complexities of divorce. Consider the unique details of your situation in selecting the best process for you. An initial appointment with you, your spouse, and a Collaborative divorce coach is a good place to start if you want to discuss this decision together with your spouse. Or if you prefer to consult individually at first, a Collaborative divorce attorney can help you consider your options and assist you in selecting the process that is best suited to you and your family.

[1] Some mediations include lawyers in the mediation sessions.

March 3rd Through 9th Declared Divorce With Respect Week® In Missouri

Divorce With Respect Week® is a chance for couples to learn more about peaceful divorce options and how to divorce with respect by staying out of court.

The state of Missouri has proclaimed March 3-9 to be Divorce With Respect Week®. Divorce With Respect Week® is a chance for couples to learn more about peaceful divorce options and how to divorce with respect by staying out of court. 

Signed by the Missouri House of Representatives, the proclamation said that Collaborative Divorce allows couples more privacy in resolving their differences and is often less time consuming and expensive compared to litigated divorce. 

“We want to thank the state of Missouri for declaring it Divorce With Respect Week®,” said Attorney Jennifer Piper. “This initiative is so important for couples and people to know about because there is a better way to divorce out there, one that protects your peace and family." 

During Divorce With Respect Week® divorce professionals across Missouri are offering free virtual consultations for anyone interested in learning more about the divorce options that are available to them. This is the 4th annual Divorce With Respect Week® which is a national effort to inform more people about the benefits of the Collaborative Divorce process. 

Anyone interested in speaking to a divorce attorney, divorce financial expert, mental health professional or child specialist, during Divorce With Respect Week® should visit www.divorcewithrespectweek.com to book a free consultation with a divorce professional near them.

Long-Term Financial Planning for a Special Needs Child

Just as the Collaborative Process can provide parents with the necessary time and space to make long-term custodial plans for a special needs child, it can also see parents through the early stages of financial planning for that child.

            Financial planning for a special needs child is complex, and every family’s situation needs to be evaluated individually and in detail.  Some of the possibilities that parents may consider – and plan for in advance – during the collaborative process include:

            Depending upon the answers to these questions, the parents may also want to consider whether it will be necessary to establish a conservatorship (a legal arrangement appointing someone to manage the child’s funds).  If so, as with a guardianship, the parents can reach an agreement laying out how the application for conservatorship will go forward, who the conservators will be, how costs for the application will be allocated, and the like.

            Having a special needs child presents parents with unique challenges for supporting their child, especially during and after a divorce.  In a non-collaborative arrangement, the parents often have more questions than answers, as they typically do not know what, if any, long-term financial arrangements the other parent has made for the disabled child.  The flexibility of the Collaborative Process gives parents the opportunity to answer those questions and ease some of those burdens through structured advanced financial planning, allowing the parents to move forward with confidence that they have developed a strategy to address their family’s ongoing support needs.

Helping Kids Navigate Life in Two Homes: Tips for Parents

Divorce or separation is challenging for children, especially when they must divide their time between two homes. Adjusting to life in two households requires open communication, cooperative language, a willingness to create consistent routines, recognition that children will have two homes, staying positive, coordinating schedules, reassurance, sensitivity to the children’s transitions, and sometimes professional support. In the Collaborative Process you will have a coach and a child specialist to help you and your co-parent think intentionally about these items, as each family’s requirements are unique. 

Here’s how you can help your kids navigate this transition and ensure they feel secure and loved in both homes: 

    Open communication is key for helping your child adjust to two homes. Encourage your child to express their feelings and concerns. Let them know it’s okay to feel sad, confused, or even angry about the changes. Listen actively and validate their emotions without judgment. Open dialogue helps your child feel heard and understood, making the transition smoother.

    Work with your co-parent to have an answer to the “Why are you getting divorced?” question. Sometimes kids, regardless of age, get frustrated and may ask this question more than once. The real questions might be, “Why is everything changing for me?”  If you and the other parent have a shared answer, your children can feel reassured. It can be as simple as, “We needed to be living in a different way so we can be the best parents possible.” You will likely need to have more nuanced conversations at times.    

    Wherever possible, sharing set routines at both homes can provide a sense of stability, which is crucial when your child moves between two homes. Work with your co-parent to establish consistent routines, like bedtimes, meal times, homework schedules, and other daily activities. Consistency helps your child know what to expect, reducing anxiety and making them feel more secure.  Not all routines need to be identical in both homes. You can tell your children, “Your mom/dad might do it differently, and that is okay; this is how I want to do it here.”  Plan for areas of flexibility as they learn to navigate both environments.

    Moving the children from one home to two may be easier for a parent who stays in what was the family home, so allowing the moving parent to have some of the bedroom furniture or the children’s items in the new home can ease the transition. You can let the kids move favorite toys, books, or blankets between the homes to help them feel at home both places. Let them have their own space, whether it’s a dedicated bedroom or a special corner with their belongings. Let them help pick out new items--sometimes simply a picture or a pillowcase--or let them pick a color for their room. This can help create a sense of ownership and comfort, making each home feel safe and welcoming.

    Children take cues from their parents, so stay positive and cooperative when discussing the other parent or household. Remember that they are coping with these changes as children, not adults.  Introducing adult issues, problems, or worries to them can be overwhelming in an already difficult time.  Avoid negative talk or blame, which can create confusion and emotional distress. Instead, focus on fostering a respectful and cooperative co-parenting relationship. Having permission from each of you to accept and show love for the other parent can be comforting for children as they navigate all the changes.

    Coordinate schedules with your co-parent so your child’s activities, school events, and social plans are well-managed. Use a shared calendar or app to keep track of important dates, making it easier to plan and avoid conflicts. Keeping your child’s schedule organized and transparent helps reduce stress for parents and child and ensures no-one misses out on important events.

    During times of transition, children may worry about their place in the family. While you love them and miss them when they aren’t with you, they should also know you are okay when they are away. When they are with you, spend quality time together, whether it’s through shared activities, conversations, or just being present. Remind your child that they are loved unconditionally, no matter which home they’re in. 

    Moving between two homes can be stressful for children, especially initially. Help ease these transitions by creating a consistent routine for drop-offs and pick-ups. Give your child time to settle in when they arrive at a new home, and be patient as they adjust. Children of all ages can be forgetful, a problem that increases under stress. You and your co-parent can plan how to handle things that get left behind at the other’s home or that cannot be carried to and from school by your child. Encourage them to talk about their day or week and offer support if they seem anxious or upset.

    If your child is struggling to adjust to two homes, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor. A professional can provide a safe space for your child to express their feelings and offer coping strategies to help them manage the transition. Therapy can help a parent struggling to be their best self around the other parent.

    Separation or divorce creates multiple challenging changes and adjustments. Taking care of yourself and keeping these tips in mind will make you a better parent.