When should we tell the kids we are getting divorced?

Rebecca Growe, LCSW
Rebecca Growe, LCSW

The question of when and how to discuss divorce with our kids looms large for many parents going through a contested, amicable, or Collaborative Divorce. Some struggle to find the “right” time to bring it up.  Some delay telling their kids because they themselves have yet to figure out the details of how their lives will change. Most people believe that if they can give their kids a concrete picture of what to expect, the news will be easier to digest. Some simply dread the thought of upsetting their kids and they procrastinate.

All of this is understandable. As your Collaborative Child Specialist, I take it as further evidence of your love for your kids. But I am also confident we can find a way through each of these concerns.

There really is not a “right” time to give anyone tough news. There might be some wrong times, such as their birthday, a major holiday, the morning of their senior prom. And it is crucial that you both be certain you are getting a divorce before you tell your kids about it.  But, for the most part, it matters more that you find the right way to talk to them than that you find the right moment.

The first time you talk to your kids about your divorce really shouldn’t be your last time you talk about it. So, it is okay if the only concrete things you convey to your kids are that (1) you are getting divorced, (2) you love them and will work together to take care of them, always, and (3) you aren’t yet sure exactly what everyone’s schedule will be, but you will tell them as soon as you do.  In other words, most kids can handle logistical uncertainty so long as they are afforded relational security.   

There are some risks to delaying this news. Kids are keen observers of their parents. For example, kids notice when their parents are distant or tense or covertly trading shifts at home. And sometimes, avoiding discussion of the elephant in the room creates more distress for kids that discussing it directly and supportively does.  

Don’t get me wrong: it is hard for kids to hear that their parents are divorcing. Divorce is a big deal and it involves a lot of change and you should anticipate some upset feelings. But feeling sad is not the same thing as being scarred. You can deliver this news to them in a way that shows them you are here to support them, even if they are initially mad, sad, and confused. And if you proceed through your divorce and beyond in a manner that is consistent with that show of support, you’re likely to prevent any lasting harm.

Should you choose to use a collaborative approach to your divorce, you will have the benefit of working with a Child Specialist who can help tailor an answer to this next large-looming question: whenever it is that we tell them, what exactly should we say?

Top 10 Things NOT to Say About Your Coparent: Protecting Your Children’s Well-Being through a Collaborative Divorce

Collaborative Divorce Professional Dr. Catherine Hassler
Collaborative Divorce Professional, Dr. Catherine Hassler

Divorce and separation are difficult for everyone involved, but children are especially vulnerable to the emotional fallout. One of the most important ways parents can support their children is by being mindful of what they say about their coparent. Negative comments can damage a child’s relationship with both parents and affect their emotional health for years to come. In Missouri, a Collaborative Divorce can help protect your childern by fostering a postive relationship with you coparent.

Here are the top ten things NOT to say about your coparent to your children:

1. “Your mom/dad doesn’t care about you.”

Why it’s harmful: Children naturally seek love and approval from both parents. Suggesting that one parent doesn’t care can make a child feel unloved, insecure, or even responsible for the perceived lack of affection. This can lead to anxiety, depression, or behavioral issues as they try to “earn” love or internalize blame.

What to do instead: Reassure your child that both parents love them, even if you express it differently. Encourage open communication and remind them that the divorce is not their fault.

2. “Your mom/dad is the reason our family broke up.”

Why it’s harmful: Assigning blame puts your child in the middle of adult conflicts and can create feelings of guilt, confusion, or anger. Children may feel pressured to take sides or feel responsible for fixing things.


What to do instead: Emphasize that divorce is a complex, adult decision and not anyone’s fault, especially not the children’s. Focus on moving forward and supporting your child’s adjustment.

3. “You’re just like your mom/dad.”

Why it’s harmful: Even if not intended as an insult, this phrase can be interpreted as criticism, especially if said in anger. It can make your child feel that their personality or behavior is inherently flawed, damaging their self-esteem and sense of identity.

What to do instead: Celebrate your child’s unique qualities. If you notice a challenging behavior, address it specifically without comparing them to your coparent.

4. “Your mom/dad always lies.”

Why it’s harmful: Accusing your coparent of dishonesty undermines your child’s trust in their other parent and can create confusion about whom to believe. It may also teach your child to distrust or manipulate.

What to do instead: If there’s a conflict in information, calmly say, “Sometimes adults remember things differently,” and encourage your child to talk openly with both parents.

5. “I wish I never met your mom/dad.”

Why it’s harmful: This statement can make your child feel like a mistake or unwanted, since they are the product of your relationship. It can wound their sense of self-worth and belonging.

What to do instead: Affirm that, despite the challenges, you are grateful for your child and that they are a positive outcome of your relationship.

6. “Your mom/dad is crazy (or negative label).”

Why it’s harmful: Using derogatory language about your coparent’s mental health or behavior can frighten your child and make them anxious about their own well-being or future. It can also stigmatize mental health issues.

What to do instead: Avoid labels. If your coparent has mental health challenges that have been properly diagnosed by a professional who has met them, not due to your own beliefs or consultation with those who have not met them, explain their situation in age-appropriate ways, and focus on supporting your child’s feelings.

7. “Your mom/dad doesn’t pay for anything.”

Why it’s harmful: Discussing financial disputes with your child burdens them with adult concerns and can create loyalty conflicts or anxiety about money.

What to do instead: Keep financial matters between adults. Reassure your child that both parents are working to provide for them.

8. “Don’t tell your mom/dad about this.”

Why it’s harmful: Asking your child to keep secrets puts them in a difficult position and can erode trust with both parents. It teaches them that secrecy is acceptable and may lead to anxiety or guilt.

What to do instead: Foster open communication. If something needs to be kept private, it’s likely not appropriate to involve your child.

9. “Your mom/dad is always late/never shows up.”

Why it’s harmful: Criticizing your coparent’s reliability can make your child feel let down, anxious, or responsible for the other parent’s actions. It can also damage their hope and trust in relationships.

What to do instead: Acknowledge your child’s feelings if they’re disappointed, but avoid blaming. Say, “I know you’re sad. Sometimes plans change, but both of us love you.”

10. “I’m the only one who really loves you.”

Why it’s harmful: Claiming exclusive love forces your child to choose sides and can make them feel guilty for loving both parents. It can also create unhealthy dependency and emotional confusion.

What to do instead: Encourage your child’s relationship with both parents. Say, “You are lucky to have so many people who love you.”

Why It Matters:

Children thrive when they feel safe, loved, and free to have positive relationships with both parents. Negative comments about your coparent can cause emotional harm, loyalty conflicts, and long-term relationship issues. Instead, focus on supporting your children’s relationship with both parents, and seek help from professionals if you’re struggling to manage your feelings.

Remember:

Your child deserves the best from both parents. Protect their emotional health by keeping adult issues between adults, and always speak respectfully about your coparent in front of your child.

Why Have Two Mental Health Professionals on Your Collaborative Divorce Team? 

collaborative divorce coach Erika Ottolini

The collaborative divorce movement was started in 1990 by a lawyer who believed two lawyers and two clients at the same table could work productively for the entire family’s benefit. As the movement gained momentum, the attorneys realized that the addition of a mental health clinician as Divorce Coach would greatly benefit not only the clients trying to divorce amicably, but also the attorneys trying to manage the legal and socioemotional aspects of divorce. We call this the Lego model, as we begin with a foundation, and then additional pieces, in our case, professionals, are added to the team. 

In the St. Louis collaborative group, when children are involved, we add a second mental health professional, called a Child Specialist, who is solely dedicated to the needs of the children during the divorce process. Not every collaborative practice in every town does this, but in St. Louis, we have seen the benefits of having two mental health professionals on a team whenever children are involved. The two mental health professionals divide the labor to avoid overlap or redundancy. The Divorce Coach is there for the parents; the Child Specialist is there for the children. 

The two professionals collaborate when a parenting plan is being developed so that the needs of the children, with whom the Child Specialist has met, have been heard. We  have found that the capacity for healing increases exponentially when children, no matter what age, have been able to voice their concerns, preferences, wants, and needs. The Child Specialist then takes into consideration those concerns, needs, and wants and shares them with the parents and the Divorce Coach. 

The Child Specialist never guarantees that children get exactly what they want, but the sensation the children gain of feeling heard and being part of the process is hugely productive as a family begins their new chapter in two homes. This increase in healing is vital for the entire family and can be greatly aided when the children have been consulted, listened to, and their needs presented and advocated for by a Child Specialist.

If you or someone you know is interested in learning more about the collaborative divorce process or learning more about which professionals are on the team, please check out the Collaborative Family Law Association website (stlouiscollaborativelaw.com) for more information.

Emotional Intelligence in Divorce: How Mental Health Support Enhances Collaborative Outcomes

Divorce is often framed as a legal process, but anyone who has navigated it knows that emotions run deep. Anger, grief, fear, and anxiety are common responses that, if unaddressed, can complicate decision-making and strain family dynamics. This is where a mental health lens becomes invaluable, particularly in the collaborative divorce process.

Collaborative divorce is designed to prioritize cooperation over conflict. Unlike traditional litigation, which can fuel adversarial interactions, the collaborative process brings together legal professionals, financial specialists, and mental health professionals to guide couples toward thoughtful solutions. A key component of this approach is emotional intelligence— the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one’s own emotions while responding empathetically to others.

Mental health professionals play a unique role in fostering emotional intelligence during divorce. They provide a safe space for each partner to explore feelings and triggers, uncover underlying patterns in behavior, and gain insight into how past experiences influence current responses. This self-awareness allows individuals to communicate more effectively, listen more deeply, and approach negotiations with clarity rather than defensiveness.

In addition to supporting individual emotional growth, therapists also facilitate healthier co-parenting dynamics. Children are deeply affected by conflict between parents, and high-emotion exchanges can leave lasting scars. Mental health guidance helps couples anticipate emotional challenges, practice constructive communication, and develop parenting strategies that reduce stress and maintain stability for their children.

The benefits extend beyond emotional regulation. When individuals engage with a mental health professional during collaborative divorce, they are better equipped to make rational, well-informed decisions about finances, property, and parenting arrangements. They can approach settlement discussions with perspective and intentionality, rather than being swayed by reactive emotions.

Ultimately, integrating mental health support in collaborative divorce is about more than conflict resolution—it’s about promoting long-term well-being. Couples who embrace this approach often report feeling more empowered, less stressed, and more capable of maintaining respectful relationships post-divorce. By prioritizing emotional intelligence alongside legal strategy, collaborative divorce offers a pathway that safeguards not only the interests of the individuals involved but also the emotional health of the entire family.

What happens to my pets in a divorce

Our pets are a part of our families, and a big question going into a divorce is, “What is going to happen to our pets?”

Although we may consider our pets to be just slightly below our children in importance, Missouri law considers them to be property, giving them the same status as cars, furniture, and bank accounts. This means that if your case goes to trial, a judge cannot order a parenting plan for your pet. If one spouse owned Fluffy before marriage, your beloved schnoodle will likely be considered that spouse’s separate property. If you adopted your pet while married, the court will have to decide whom to award the pet to. The judge cannot apply the same best interests analysis they would for a child (even though, as far as you are concerned, your pet is your “baby”) but will instead treat your pet as they would any other object of property (similar to deciding who gets the dining room table).

The Collaborative Process allows for much more creative solutions for dealing with pets. The focus in a collaborative divorce is on “interest-based” negotiations, concentrating on what is important to the spouses rather than on the limitations the law typically imposes. One of your interests may be to ensure that both spouses are able to maintain a relationship with all the family’s pets. You can discuss creative solutions, like having the pets accompany the children when they are exchanged or even having a “custody schedule” that sets out who is responsible for caring for the pets on which days. Unlike in court, you and your spouse can consider what is best for the pets and what arrangement will best meet their needs.

As opposed to a traditional divorce, which too often puts spouses in combat mode, pitting them in warring camps focused on what is wrong with each other, Collaborative Divorce allows couples to focus on their future and gives them the tools to plan for a post-divorce life, including how to be sure your beloved Daisy can enjoy the love of both her “parents” for the rest of her life.

Contact one of the Collaborative Professionals on this site to learn more.

March 3rd Through 9th Declared Divorce With Respect Week® In Missouri

Divorce With Respect Week® is a chance for couples to learn more about peaceful divorce options and how to divorce with respect by staying out of court.

The state of Missouri has proclaimed March 3-9 to be Divorce With Respect Week®. Divorce With Respect Week® is a chance for couples to learn more about peaceful divorce options and how to divorce with respect by staying out of court. 

Signed by the Missouri House of Representatives, the proclamation said that Collaborative Divorce allows couples more privacy in resolving their differences and is often less time consuming and expensive compared to litigated divorce. 

“We want to thank the state of Missouri for declaring it Divorce With Respect Week®,” said Attorney Jennifer Piper. “This initiative is so important for couples and people to know about because there is a better way to divorce out there, one that protects your peace and family." 

During Divorce With Respect Week® divorce professionals across Missouri are offering free virtual consultations for anyone interested in learning more about the divorce options that are available to them. This is the 4th annual Divorce With Respect Week® which is a national effort to inform more people about the benefits of the Collaborative Divorce process. 

Anyone interested in speaking to a divorce attorney, divorce financial expert, mental health professional or child specialist, during Divorce With Respect Week® should visit www.divorcewithrespectweek.com to book a free consultation with a divorce professional near them.

Long-Term Financial Planning for a Special Needs Child

Just as the Collaborative Process can provide parents with the necessary time and space to make long-term custodial plans for a special needs child, it can also see parents through the early stages of financial planning for that child.

            Financial planning for a special needs child is complex, and every family’s situation needs to be evaluated individually and in detail.  Some of the possibilities that parents may consider – and plan for in advance – during the collaborative process include:

            Depending upon the answers to these questions, the parents may also want to consider whether it will be necessary to establish a conservatorship (a legal arrangement appointing someone to manage the child’s funds).  If so, as with a guardianship, the parents can reach an agreement laying out how the application for conservatorship will go forward, who the conservators will be, how costs for the application will be allocated, and the like.

            Having a special needs child presents parents with unique challenges for supporting their child, especially during and after a divorce.  In a non-collaborative arrangement, the parents often have more questions than answers, as they typically do not know what, if any, long-term financial arrangements the other parent has made for the disabled child.  The flexibility of the Collaborative Process gives parents the opportunity to answer those questions and ease some of those burdens through structured advanced financial planning, allowing the parents to move forward with confidence that they have developed a strategy to address their family’s ongoing support needs.

How to tell your partner about Collaborative Divorce

The decision to end a marriage is never easy, and how you choose to go about that process will, no doubt, be tailored to your family’s specific needs. 

One option is the Collaborative Divorce process. For most couples that choose Collaborative Divorce, one spouse learns about it and then brings it to the attention of the other. However, it can seem difficult to make a request of a partner you are separating and disconnecting from. Therefore, the question remains:

How do I introduce the Collaborative Divorce process so that my spouse sees it has benefits for the whole family? 

Collaborative Divorce has been around for nearly 35  years. The movement was founded by a Minnesota divorce lawyer who recognized that cooperating, rather than fighting, would better serve the interests of his clients and their families. Collaborative Divorce offers a gentle and humane way to support a family going through the divorce process. 

The Collaborative process allows for all three aspects of a divorce, legal, financial and socioemotional, to be addressed by individual professionals who help guide the couple, and children, if there are any, along the way. 

Here are a few suggestions on broaching this topic with your partner:

Collaborative Divorce is done within a sphere of like-minded individuals, collaborating and caring for one another, mindful of the difficulties of the dissolution process, yet still making room for kindness and humanity in the separation. 

For those interested in that type of experience, Collaborative Divorce seems a no-brainer and would seem to be the logical choice. 

For more information, contact one of the Collaborative professionals listed on this site.

Long-Term Custody Planning for a Special Needs Child

            Having a special needs child presents parents with childcare and decision-making complexities which need to be addressed during a divorce.  The flexibility of the Collaborative Process allows parents to engage in longer-term planning, something the traditional divorce often does not allow time or space for.

         Of course, the Collaborative Process focuses on the immediate care of the child: creating an appropriate parenting plan, allowing for the necessary treatments and therapies, accounting for the costs and expenses associated with the additional support and care that is required.  But it also provides an opportunity to think bigger.

            Under normal circumstances, once a child turns 18 years old, they are no longer considered a minor and, accordingly, are no longer subject to the terms of the parenting plan, which outlines the parenting and decision-making provisions for that child.  However, when a special needs child is not likely to attend college or otherwise live independently upon reaching the age of majority, those (or similar) provisions must remain in place.

            As part of their divorce judgment, the parents can consent to a court order regarding the child’s continued dependency.  The court then enters a finding that the child will not be considered emancipated upon reaching age 18.  In some situations, that is enough.

            However, some institutions – medical providers, financial organizations, and the like – are not satisfied with a non-emancipation order.  They do not understand that a child can remain subject to the parenting plan even beyond age 18, and they require that the now-adult child be the subject of a guardianship—a legal proceeding that names an individual or individuals to make decisions for the child’s benefit.

            Using the Collaborative Process, the parents can discuss and agree during the initial divorce discussions about guardianship-related items that are likely to arise later:

            Knowing this information going into the child’s early adult years allows the parents to approach the child’s 18th birthday with knowledge, with a plan, and with less trepidation.

Navigating the Holidays with Kids after Separation: A Guide to Support and Celebration!

Planning and participating in the holidays after a separation can be challenging, especially for children adapting to two homes. It can be hard to focus on the children’s needs as both parents are also adjusting to this new reality.   

Holidays hold varied significance – while some are about grand celebrations and family gatherings, others might just be about relaxation and acknowledgment. When parents establish separate households, the constant remains their love for their children, though kids may need time adjusting to the new living dynamics.

Studies emphasize the importance of working together as co-parents during and post-divorce. It greatly aids children in navigating their own emotional journey. The underlying message should always be, “Your well-being is our priority, and we will unite for you.”

Here are some insights for co-parents navigating the holiday season:

  1. Prioritize Comfort: If you’re anxious, children pick up on it. Ensure you create moments during festive times that assure them of their importance in your life. The message to them should be, "Your happiness is vital to me, regardless of the occasion.”

Thinking about ways to support your children as they begin living in two homes and making new traditions and experiences for them and for yourself can be one way to lessen the stress of divorce. Doing this will acknowledge that a divorce impacts parents and children. Celebrating some holidays will look different for everyone, and it is important to remind each other that positive new traditions can also be made.

Happy holidays.