Divorce Process Options: Collaborative Divorce, Mediation, or Litigation

By Alan Freed

When I meet with a new divorce client, beyond listening to their story and helping them understand the legal issues they are facing, I always reserve part of the initial meeting for a process options discussion.

What is a process options discussion?

There are several ways to get a divorce resolved, and the process discussion helps inform my clients of the options they have available.

Most divorces are not the result of a trial. That may come as a surprise to those whose only experience with divorce comes from TV and movies. Trials (at least, the way popular media portray them) make for terrific entertainment—the witness caught in a critical lie; the crafty lawyer triumphing by asking the gotcha question—but they are very rare in the world of divorce, because most cases are settled without a trial.

That’s where the process options discussion comes into play.

A thorough lawyer will explain to you that the great majority of divorces are resolved through some kind of negotiation process, either with lawyers negotiating on your behalf or with you directly involved in the negotiations through mediation or collaborative divorce. Most divorce clients find a negotiated settlement to be the preferred option for several reasons:

Control over the outcome:
- In a trial, a judge, who has no stake in the result and who has only a very limited opportunity to understand your family’s unique situation, will make decisions that will have a long-term impact on your family.
- In a negotiated case, you have the ability to say no to terms you are not comfortable with.
- In a mediation or a collaborative divorce, the focus is on what is important to each spouse and what may best benefit the children rather than on what the law may dictate.
Time:
- Trials can last from a few hours to several days and, in some instances, more than a week. Divorce trials are frequently broken up—a day or two in one week, then a couple more days a week or two later—keeping you engaged in courtroom matters for a long period of time.
- Judges do not make immediate decisions. You may wait weeks or even months for a decision.
- Lawyers often ask judges to amend their judgments with after-trial motions that can take months to resolve.
- Appeals can stretch out the process for an additional period of a year or more.
- Negotiated divorces depend upon the spouses’ readiness and willingness to reach agreement and are not beholden to a court’s schedule.
- Once a negotiated agreement is reached, the judgment can be entered right away, and there are no after-trial matters to extend the process.
Cost:
- Preparing for trial, trying a case, engaging in post-trial matters, and appeals can add a great amount of cost to a divorce process.
- Most negotiated divorces can be resolved for a fraction of the cost of trial, through not having to prepare for trial, not having to pay professionals to conduct the trial, and not having to deal with post-trial issues and appeals.
Hidden benefits:
- When a case is tried in court, the spouses can spend months gathering evidence against each other in their efforts to convince a judge to rule in their favor. Then, after having focused on everything that is bad about each other, they must co-parent, which requires a high level of cooperation to be successful. That shift can be difficult and can take a long time.
- Having spent so much time finding fault with each other, couples that try their divorce cases will frequently find themselves back in court a few years later hoping to modify the judgment.
- When a case is resolved through mediation or collaboration, the focus is always on future success rather than on past wrongs, so the couple has a much better chance of enjoying a cooperative co-parenting relationship.
- If parents are cooperative during divorce negotiations, they have a better chance of cooperating over any changes to the judgment that may be required as their circumstances change. If they can resolve those issues peacefully, they can both continue their cooperation and save the time and money of a court-based modification process.

Every divorce is different, and there are certainly instances in which a trial is the only way to get the case resolved, but an understanding of the process options will help guide you to the best way to deal with your family’s unique situation.

Why Does Collaborative Divorce Work? — Can I Trust the Process?

Nicole Pace, Collaborative Divorce Coach

The collaborative divorce process is designed for couples who want to separate respectfully and thoughtfully. Instead of working against each other, divorcing spouses work with a team of professionals—legal, mental health, and financial—who are all focused on helping them reach agreements that support both spouses and, most importantly, their children.

Divorce naturally brings a lot of uncertainty. It often requires a shift in how people think about their future, which can feel overwhelming. It’s common for anxiety, suspicion, or distrust to surface—especially if communication has already been difficult. In that kind of emotional space, it’s fair to wonder: Can I really trust a collaborative process?

Understanding the Collaborative Divorce Team

One helpful way to build trust is to understand who’s involved and what they’re there to do. While each professional comes from a different background, everyone shares the same goal: helping both people move forward in a way that feels respectful and sustainable.

Attorneys
Collaborative attorneys often come from traditional court-based practice but choose this approach because it allows for more thoughtful, mutually beneficial solutions—especially when children are involved.
Mental Health Professionals
These professionals support the emotional side of the process. They help improve communication, reduce conflict, and offer tools to manage the stress that comes with major life changes.
Financial Professionals
Financial experts bring clarity to what can otherwise feel overwhelming. They help couples understand their financial picture, which will allow them to make informed decisions for both the short and long term.

Why Professionals Choose This Process

The professionals in the St. Louis Collaborative Family Law Association have seen divorce from the litigated perspective and from the collaborative perspective. The attorneys have negotiated in the shadow of the courthouse or have sometimes had to try cases to attempt to get the best outcome for their clients. Financial professionals have helped people rebuild after divorce or served as experts in high-conflict cases. Mental health professionals have supported adults and children through the emotional strain that often comes with divorce. Over time, many of us have seen how a “me vs. you” or “win–lose” approach can leave lasting stress and can even bring harm to members of the family.

That’s a big part of why we choose to do this work differently.

The collaborative process gives us a way to support families in making really hard decisions in a more respectful and less adversarial way. We know that even though the structure of a family is changing, the relationships don’t just go away, especially when children are involved.

Our focus is on helping you move forward in a thoughtful, supported way. That might mean looking at creative financial solutions, leaning on each person’s expertise (including yours), and making sure both voices are heard along the way. We also keep an eye on the future and help parents build the best co-parenting relationship they can, making space for children to feel supported and understood throughout the process.

Specialized Training Matters

All collaborative professionals are trained as mediators, but this is not a traditional mediation process. We also receive specific training in communication, unique problem-solving and conflict resolution approaches, and teamwork. This shared foundation allows us to work together effectively and to keep the process centered on each person’s goals and on cooperation rather than conflict.

We’re not just focused on legal or financial outcomes; we’re also mindful of the emotional impact on you and your family. The goal is to support the whole picture, not just one piece of it. Our role is to guide conversations, reduce tension, and help you explore options together. Rather than pushing decisions, we aim to support you in finding solutions that reflect your shared goals. This approach often leads to more thoughtful, lasting agreements.

Our Commitment

At its core, the collaborative divorce process is about creating a space where both people can feel heard, respected, and supported. The focus stays on what matters most: finding the best possible outcome for your family.

Choosing the collaborative path means choosing a more thoughtful, team-based approach to divorce—one that values communication, respect, and long-term well-being. The professionals doing this work share the hope and goal of guiding you through it with care and professionalism so you can move forward with confidence.

When should we tell the kids we are getting divorced?

The question of when and how to discuss divorce with our kids looms large for many parents going through a contested, amicable, or Collaborative Divorce. Some struggle to find the “right” time to bring it up. Some delay telling their kids because they themselves have yet to figure out the details of how their lives will change. Most people believe that if they can give their kids a concrete picture of what to expect, the news will be easier to digest. Some simply dread the thought of upsetting their kids and they procrastinate.

All of this is understandable. As your Collaborative Child Specialist, I take it as further evidence of your love for your kids. But I am also confident we can find a way through each of these concerns.

There really is not a “right” time to give anyone tough news. There might be some wrong times, such as their birthday, a major holiday, the morning of their senior prom. And it is crucial that you both be certain you are getting a divorce before you tell your kids about it. But, for the most part, it matters more that you find the right way to talk to them than that you find the right moment.

The first time you talk to your kids about your divorce really shouldn’t be your last time you talk about it. So, it is okay if the only concrete things you convey to your kids are that (1) you are getting divorced, (2) you love them and will work together to take care of them, always, and (3) you aren’t yet sure exactly what everyone’s schedule will be, but you will tell them as soon as you do. In other words, most kids can handle logistical uncertainty so long as they are afforded relational security.

There are some risks to delaying this news. Kids are keen observers of their parents. For example, kids notice when their parents are distant or tense or covertly trading shifts at home. And sometimes, avoiding discussion of the elephant in the room creates more distress for kids that discussing it directly and supportively does.

Don’t get me wrong: it is hard for kids to hear that their parents are divorcing. Divorce is a big deal and it involves a lot of change and you should anticipate some upset feelings. But feeling sad is not the same thing as being scarred. You can deliver this news to them in a way that shows them you are here to support them, even if they are initially mad, sad, and confused. And if you proceed through your divorce and beyond in a manner that is consistent with that show of support, you’re likely to prevent any lasting harm.

Should you choose to use a collaborative approach to your divorce, you will have the benefit of working with a Child Specialist who can help tailor an answer to this next large-looming question: whenever it is that we tell them, what exactly should we say?

Why Have Two Mental Health Professionals on Your Collaborative Divorce Team?

collaborative divorce coach Erika Ottolini

The collaborative divorce movement was started in 1990 by a lawyer who believed two lawyers and two clients at the same table could work productively for the entire family’s benefit. As the movement gained momentum, the attorneys realized that the addition of a mental health clinician as Divorce Coach would greatly benefit not only the clients trying to divorce amicably, but also the attorneys trying to manage the legal and socioemotional aspects of divorce. We call this the Lego model, as we begin with a foundation, and then additional pieces, in our case, professionals, are added to the team.

In the St. Louis collaborative group, when children are involved, we add a second mental health professional, called a Child Specialist, who is solely dedicated to the needs of the children during the divorce process. Not every collaborative practice in every town does this, but in St. Louis, we have seen the benefits of having two mental health professionals on a team whenever children are involved. The two mental health professionals divide the labor to avoid overlap or redundancy. The Divorce Coach is there for the parents; the Child Specialist is there for the children.

The two professionals collaborate when a parenting plan is being developed so that the needs of the children, with whom the Child Specialist has met, have been heard. We have found that the capacity for healing increases exponentially when children, no matter what age, have been able to voice their concerns, preferences, wants, and needs. The Child Specialist then takes into consideration those concerns, needs, and wants and shares them with the parents and the Divorce Coach.

The Child Specialist never guarantees that children get exactly what they want, but the sensation the children gain of feeling heard and being part of the process is hugely productive as a family begins their new chapter in two homes. This increase in healing is vital for the entire family and can be greatly aided when the children have been consulted, listened to, and their needs presented and advocated for by a Child Specialist.

If you or someone you know is interested in learning more about the collaborative divorce process or learning more about which professionals are on the team, please check out the Collaborative Family Law Association website (stlouiscollaborativelaw.com) for more information.

Prenuptial Agreements and the Collaborative Process

St. Louis Collaborative Member, Susan Amato

If you are considering marriage and are bringing substantial assets or income into the relationship, or have children from a prior relationship, you may be considering whether you should have a prenuptial agreement.

Prenuptial agreements have two main purposes:. one is to define and protect specific assets and income in the event of a divorce, and the other is to make provisions regarding estate planning outside of what would be presumed under law without the prenuptial agreement. Negotiating a prenuptial agreement may take more time than you anticipate, and it is always best to complete it well before the wedding date. Therefore, if you are considering a prenuptial agreement, you should consult with a lawyer before the wedding date is set.

Discussing divorce and detailed financial issues at a time when a couple would prefer to be focused on wedding planning and their new life together can be difficult. Sending proposals back and forth between lawyers is not an ideal way to start a life together. In contrast to typical prenuptial agreement negotiations, negotiating your agreement through the collaborative process can support you and your fiancé through these conversations in a way that lays the groundwork for mutual understanding and successful communication about financial and other difficult issues throughout your marriage.

When you use the Collaborative Law Process for a prenuptial agreement, each prospective spouse will need to engage the support of a collaboratively trained attorney. Depending on the circumstances, you may also jointly engage a mental health coach and a financial neutral. This professional team meets with you and helps you communicate effectively to reach mutually beneficial agreements that reflect your shared values and goals. Unlike typical prenuptial negotiations, which can feel transactional or defensive, the collaborative process encourages you to communicate openly about your finances, expectations, and plans, fosters trust by involving both of you equally in the process, and creates a safe space for you to discuss sensitive topics. Once you agree to terms, the lawyers will draft the prenuptial agreement, and once you and your partner have reviewed and approved it, you will sign it, often with more confidence and understanding than if you had negotiated using a traditional method.

A collaborative prenuptial agreement isn’t just a legal document; it’s a relationship tool, helping you start your marriage with shared goals and shared commitments for your joint future.

Emotional Intelligence in Divorce: How Mental Health Support Enhances Collaborative Outcomes

Divorce is often framed as a legal process, but anyone who has navigated it knows that emotions run deep. Anger, grief, fear, and anxiety are common responses that, if unaddressed, can complicate decision-making and strain family dynamics. This is where a mental health lens becomes invaluable, particularly in the collaborative divorce process.

Collaborative divorce is designed to prioritize cooperation over conflict. Unlike traditional litigation, which can fuel adversarial interactions, the collaborative process brings together legal professionals, financial specialists, and mental health professionals to guide couples toward thoughtful solutions. A key component of this approach is emotional intelligence— the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one’s own emotions while responding empathetically to others.

Mental health professionals play a unique role in fostering emotional intelligence during divorce. They provide a safe space for each partner to explore feelings and triggers, uncover underlying patterns in behavior, and gain insight into how past experiences influence current responses. This self-awareness allows individuals to communicate more effectively, listen more deeply, and approach negotiations with clarity rather than defensiveness.

In addition to supporting individual emotional growth, therapists also facilitate healthier co-parenting dynamics. Children are deeply affected by conflict between parents, and high-emotion exchanges can leave lasting scars. Mental health guidance helps couples anticipate emotional challenges, practice constructive communication, and develop parenting strategies that reduce stress and maintain stability for their children.

The benefits extend beyond emotional regulation. When individuals engage with a mental health professional during collaborative divorce, they are better equipped to make rational, well-informed decisions about finances, property, and parenting arrangements. They can approach settlement discussions with perspective and intentionality, rather than being swayed by reactive emotions.

Ultimately, integrating mental health support in collaborative divorce is about more than conflict resolution—it’s about promoting long-term well-being. Couples who embrace this approach often report feeling more empowered, less stressed, and more capable of maintaining respectful relationships post-divorce. By prioritizing emotional intelligence alongside legal strategy, collaborative divorce offers a pathway that safeguards not only the interests of the individuals involved but also the emotional health of the entire family.

What does a Parenting Coordinator do in Missouri?

In Missouri, after a court enters a parenting plan, parents frequently have difficulty making agreements. A parenting coordinator (“PC”) can help. The PC helps parents reach agreements on important matters, such as medical, extracurricular activities, and scheduling issues. If parents cannot reach an agreement, the PC can make decisions for them.

A PC’s role is like that of a mediator, but the PC can go beyond facilitating conversations. The PC can make binding decisions quickly, especially in urgent situations, such as medical care for a child or an imminent schedule dispute or change. Courts often take months to resolve issues that a PC can resolve in days.

When is a Parenting Coordinator appropriate?

A PC appointment order may be entered along with a judgment that includes a parenting plan, and when parents are in high conflict and have difficulty agreeing, where there have been repeated legal actions, or when mental health or substance abuse monitoring is appropriate.

How can a Parenting Coordinator help?

Mediation and conflict resolution: A PC mediates disputes between parents, helping them improve communication to reach resolutions and prioritizing the children’s well-being. While they can’t change child support or the long-term parenting schedule, they can help with one-time schedule changes for special events or with less urgent matters, like deciding on a child’s participation in extracurricular activities or interpreting the parenting plan.
Decision-making authority: If parents are unable to come to an agreement, the Parenting Coordinator can make the decision. A PC’s decisions are immediate and enforceable in such areas as:
- when changes in a “step-up” parenting schedule are to occur;
- amounts owed for health and extracurricular expenses;
- appropriate health care and counseling for the children and parents;
- alcohol assessment and drug testing;
- attendance at activities, meetings, and health appointments.
Issue resolution: The PC can determine:
- extracurricular activities;
- educational choices;
- childcare arrangements;
- medical care;
- child-related financial disputes.
Emergencies: The PC can make quick decisions for
- medical emergencies;
- immediate schedule or care issues.

Limitations.

A PC cannot:

change legal or physical custody;
change the overall schedule;
change financial terms;
enter new orders outside the scope of their authority.

Benefits of a Parenting Coordinator.

A PC can reduce stress in a high-conflict divorce by acting as a mediator and decision-maker. Other benefits include:

Efficiency: Swift resolutions.
Cost-effectiveness: Significant savings on legal fees.
Privacy: Parents can resolve disputes outside of the courtroom.
Improved communication: Mediation and coaching can help parents develop better communication, potentially leading to fewer conflicts.
Child-centered solutions: Decisions made by PCs prioritize the children’s well-being.

How does it work?

PCs can only be appointed by agreement of the parents and with an order signed by them, the PC, and the court.

As part of the collaborative process, you can:

agree to have a PC appointed;
interview the PC together or separately;
if appropriate, involve the PC in the drafting of your parenting plan and PC appointment order.

Conclusion.

A Parenting Coordinator can help parents resolve ongoing parenting issues without the need for repeated court intervention. The Parenting Coordinator can handle issues the court is not able to address and offers timely, cost-effective, and child-focused solutions. Parenting coordination promotes a less adversarial co-parenting dynamic, reduces the burden on courts, and ensures the child’s best interests remain the parents’ central focus.

Paying for college after divorce

College costs and expenses constitute one of the largest shared financial obligations parents meet for their children. When parents have worked through a collaborative divorce before a child enters college, they are in a strong position to cooperate, plan for college costs, and divide those costs between them. The parents can be financially prepared, and their children can have a positive college experience free of many of the stresses that plague the college-bound children of other separated parents.

College costs are more than just tuition. They can also include administrative fees, books and supplies, room and board, travel, spending money for routine living expenses, and other incidental costs. Depending on a child’s interests, the parents may also need to discuss whether they will contribute to:

Fraternity and sorority participation
Sports or other extracurricular activities
Study abroad
School-sponsored trips for competitions or other enrichment

If one parent is paying child support that will continue into that child’s college years, the parents can also plan for whether some of that support will be paid directly to the child to defray some of the child’s day-to-day expenses or will be earmarked for specific college costs.

The picture is not complete without considering any money that may come in from other sources. The child may receive scholarships, work-study income, or grants, which may reduce the expenses that would otherwise be borne by the parents.

Parents – even divorced parents – are often expected to work together in applying for financial aid for their college-age children. Maintaining a relationship through the collaborative process stands parents in better stead to cooperate down the road to maximize the available financial aid.

The discussions about a child’s college attendance during divorce proceedings will vary in the level of detail depending upon how close the child is to college age. Plans will necessarily be more concrete if a child is a high school senior than if she is in kindergarten. Whatever the timeline, anticipating the child’s educational needs in a collaborative setting provides everyone – including the child – with peace of mind about the future.

Contact one of the legal professionals in the Collaborative Family Law Association of St. Louis with any further questions about addressing college costs in the collaborative process.

Is Collaborative Divorce only for “friendly” divorces?

Most of what Americans know about divorce comes from three sources: TV, movies, and friends who have been through it. Too often, the impression these sources leave is one of a high conflict, ugly, adversarial process that leaves the couple disliking each other even more than they did when they decided to split up.

Collaborative Divorce presents a very different picture, one in which divorcing families focus on their futures rather than on determining who is more at fault in causing the breakup.

The word collaborative suggests a process that will only work when spouses are able to talk through their differences without insults and argument. But can a Collaborative Divorce work when both spouses are angry at each other and struggle to engage with each other without shouting and tears?

Surprisingly, the answer is “yes.”

The Collaborative process begins with the philosophy that divorce is a problem to be solved and not a battle to be waged. Particularly when children are involved, using a process that helps a couple plan for a post-divorce life can be infinitely more productive than a court battle, and the team-based approach used in Collaborative Divorce helps keep the spouses’ eyes firmly on the road ahead, rather than the rearview mirror.

Because the Collaborative professional team includes mental health professionals in the roles of divorce coach and child specialist, each of the spouses can air their grievances about each other, but rather than turning those complaints into hand grenades to be hurled at the other “side,” those professionals, along with the lawyers and financial specialist, will redirect their clients’ attention to their family’s future.

The mental health professionals can also coordinate their support with professional counselors who may have history with the family and can help the couple understand that planning for a co-parenting future is far more important that determining who is “right” and who is “wrong.” These professionals also coach the couple on how to discuss difficult issues, both through selecting more effective language and, critically, through listening to each other.

Proceeding with a Collaborative Divorce doesn’t mean all the anger, sadness, and disappointment magically disappears. It does mean, however, that a specially trained team of professionals will be focused on guiding a family in pain towards a better future. That way, the healing can begin even before the divorce is over.

To determine whether a Collaborative Divorce will help your family, contact one of the professionals listed on this site.

Nesting – Sharing Parenting Time, and Living Space

When you and your partner make the difficult decision to physically separate, often the next big decision is how you will share parenting time with the children. One option to consider is “nesting.”

What Is “Nesting”?

Nesting describes a parenting arrangement in which parents divide their time between a shared “kid home” and another, separate parent-only living space. Typically, the parents spend time with their children under a set schedule, but instead of pinging the children back and forth between two separate homes, the children remain in the “kid home” while the parents move in and out according to their designated days.

Pros and Cons of Nesting.

PROS	CONS
Minimizes disruption and change for children.	Parents may experience a lack of privacy
Children do not have to carry items back and forth between two homes	Sharing a living space (one that may still contain remnants of the past) with a former partner may take an emotional toll on parents
Preserves the continuity of home base for the children	Nesting may complicate parents’ personal lives if they start dating, as the arrangement may create awkwardness and discomfort
Can minimize or delay the financial impact of having to immediately support two households	May require more planning, outside of parenting, for the management of the home (cleaning, groceries, supplies for home, home maintenance, etc.)
Can minimize the financial impact if the parents only need to maintain one home that meets the children’s needs (size, number of bedrooms, location, school district, etc.)	Could be more financially burdensome if both parents must maintain a separate living space and the shared home.
Shifts the burden of having to move between two homes from the children to the parents	Children may still struggle with the emotional weight of living in a house filled with memories of their once-united family

When Does a Nesting Arrangement Work Best?

Nesting is a child-centric approach to parenting time that prioritizes stability for children and minimizes the numerous changes children are burdened with during and after divorce. Successful nesting requires trust and respect between co-parents and a history of low conflict, effective communication.

While there is no one-size-fits-all approach to dividing parenting time, the options available through the traditional court process are limited, and there is risk that a court-imposed cookie-cutter parenting schedule may not respect your family’s unique qualities, priorities, challenges, and values.

The collaborative divorce process allows parents to explore options outside the confines of the traditional court-process. Collaborative divorce prioritizes peaceful resolution and the preservation of a working relationship between parents. Parents’ concerns and interests are shared openly, and children are given a voice in the process as well. Every issue, including parenting time, is approached with the shared goal of reaching resolution while reducing the traumatic experience of divorce for parents and children. With the multifaceted team of collaborative professionals, parents can assess whether a nesting arrangement meets the needs of their unique family.