Why Does Collaborative Divorce Work? — Can I Trust the Process?

Nicole Pace, Collaborative Divorce Coach
Nicole Pace, Collaborative Divorce Coach

The collaborative divorce process is designed for couples who want to separate respectfully and thoughtfully. Instead of working against each other, divorcing spouses work with a team of professionals—legal, mental health, and financial—who are all focused on helping them reach agreements that support both spouses and, most importantly, their children.

Divorce naturally brings a lot of uncertainty. It often requires a shift in how people think about their future, which can feel overwhelming. It’s common for anxiety, suspicion, or distrust to surface—especially if communication has already been difficult. In that kind of emotional space, it’s fair to wonder: Can I really trust a collaborative process?

Understanding the Collaborative Divorce Team

One helpful way to build trust is to understand who’s involved and what they’re there to do. While each professional comes from a different background, everyone shares the same goal: helping both people move forward in a way that feels respectful and sustainable.

Why Professionals Choose This Process

The professionals in the St. Louis Collaborative Family Law Association have seen divorce from the litigated perspective and from the collaborative perspective. The attorneys have negotiated in the shadow of the courthouse or have sometimes had to try cases to attempt to get the best outcome for their clients. Financial professionals have helped people rebuild after divorce or served as experts in high-conflict cases. Mental health professionals have supported adults and children through the emotional strain that often comes with divorce. Over time, many of us have seen how a “me vs. you” or “win–lose” approach can leave lasting stress and can even bring harm to members of the family.

That’s a big part of why we choose to do this work differently.

The collaborative process gives us a way to support families in making really hard decisions in a more respectful and less adversarial way. We know that even though the structure of a family is changing, the relationships don’t just go away, especially when children are involved.

Our focus is on helping you move forward in a thoughtful, supported way. That might mean looking at creative financial solutions, leaning on each person’s expertise (including yours), and making sure both voices are heard along the way. We also keep an eye on the future and help parents build the best co-parenting relationship they can, making space for children to feel supported and understood throughout the process.

Specialized Training Matters

All collaborative professionals are trained as mediators, but this is not a traditional mediation process. We also receive specific training in communication, unique problem-solving and conflict resolution approaches, and teamwork. This shared foundation allows us to work together effectively and to keep the process centered on each person’s goals and on cooperation rather than conflict.

We’re not just focused on legal or financial outcomes; we’re also mindful of the emotional impact on you and your family. The goal is to support the whole picture, not just one piece of it. Our role is to guide conversations, reduce tension, and help you explore options together. Rather than pushing decisions, we aim to support you in finding solutions that reflect your shared goals. This approach often leads to more thoughtful, lasting agreements.

Our Commitment

At its core, the collaborative divorce process is about creating a space where both people can feel heard, respected, and supported. The focus stays on what matters most: finding the best possible outcome for your family.

Choosing the collaborative path means choosing a more thoughtful, team-based approach to divorce—one that values communication, respect, and long-term well-being. The professionals doing this work share the hope and goal of guiding you through it with care and professionalism so you can move forward with confidence.

When should we tell the kids we are getting divorced?

Rebecca Growe, LCSW
Rebecca Growe, LCSW

The question of when and how to discuss divorce with our kids looms large for many parents going through a contested, amicable, or Collaborative Divorce. Some struggle to find the “right” time to bring it up.  Some delay telling their kids because they themselves have yet to figure out the details of how their lives will change. Most people believe that if they can give their kids a concrete picture of what to expect, the news will be easier to digest. Some simply dread the thought of upsetting their kids and they procrastinate.

All of this is understandable. As your Collaborative Child Specialist, I take it as further evidence of your love for your kids. But I am also confident we can find a way through each of these concerns.

There really is not a “right” time to give anyone tough news. There might be some wrong times, such as their birthday, a major holiday, the morning of their senior prom. And it is crucial that you both be certain you are getting a divorce before you tell your kids about it.  But, for the most part, it matters more that you find the right way to talk to them than that you find the right moment.

The first time you talk to your kids about your divorce really shouldn’t be your last time you talk about it. So, it is okay if the only concrete things you convey to your kids are that (1) you are getting divorced, (2) you love them and will work together to take care of them, always, and (3) you aren’t yet sure exactly what everyone’s schedule will be, but you will tell them as soon as you do.  In other words, most kids can handle logistical uncertainty so long as they are afforded relational security.   

There are some risks to delaying this news. Kids are keen observers of their parents. For example, kids notice when their parents are distant or tense or covertly trading shifts at home. And sometimes, avoiding discussion of the elephant in the room creates more distress for kids that discussing it directly and supportively does.  

Don’t get me wrong: it is hard for kids to hear that their parents are divorcing. Divorce is a big deal and it involves a lot of change and you should anticipate some upset feelings. But feeling sad is not the same thing as being scarred. You can deliver this news to them in a way that shows them you are here to support them, even if they are initially mad, sad, and confused. And if you proceed through your divorce and beyond in a manner that is consistent with that show of support, you’re likely to prevent any lasting harm.

Should you choose to use a collaborative approach to your divorce, you will have the benefit of working with a Child Specialist who can help tailor an answer to this next large-looming question: whenever it is that we tell them, what exactly should we say?

Top 10 Things NOT to Say About Your Coparent: Protecting Your Children’s Well-Being through a Collaborative Divorce

Collaborative Divorce Professional Dr. Catherine Hassler
Collaborative Divorce Professional, Dr. Catherine Hassler

Divorce and separation are difficult for everyone involved, but children are especially vulnerable to the emotional fallout. One of the most important ways parents can support their children is by being mindful of what they say about their coparent. Negative comments can damage a child’s relationship with both parents and affect their emotional health for years to come. In Missouri, a Collaborative Divorce can help protect your childern by fostering a postive relationship with you coparent.

Here are the top ten things NOT to say about your coparent to your children:

1. “Your mom/dad doesn’t care about you.”

Why it’s harmful: Children naturally seek love and approval from both parents. Suggesting that one parent doesn’t care can make a child feel unloved, insecure, or even responsible for the perceived lack of affection. This can lead to anxiety, depression, or behavioral issues as they try to “earn” love or internalize blame.

What to do instead: Reassure your child that both parents love them, even if you express it differently. Encourage open communication and remind them that the divorce is not their fault.

2. “Your mom/dad is the reason our family broke up.”

Why it’s harmful: Assigning blame puts your child in the middle of adult conflicts and can create feelings of guilt, confusion, or anger. Children may feel pressured to take sides or feel responsible for fixing things.


What to do instead: Emphasize that divorce is a complex, adult decision and not anyone’s fault, especially not the children’s. Focus on moving forward and supporting your child’s adjustment.

3. “You’re just like your mom/dad.”

Why it’s harmful: Even if not intended as an insult, this phrase can be interpreted as criticism, especially if said in anger. It can make your child feel that their personality or behavior is inherently flawed, damaging their self-esteem and sense of identity.

What to do instead: Celebrate your child’s unique qualities. If you notice a challenging behavior, address it specifically without comparing them to your coparent.

4. “Your mom/dad always lies.”

Why it’s harmful: Accusing your coparent of dishonesty undermines your child’s trust in their other parent and can create confusion about whom to believe. It may also teach your child to distrust or manipulate.

What to do instead: If there’s a conflict in information, calmly say, “Sometimes adults remember things differently,” and encourage your child to talk openly with both parents.

5. “I wish I never met your mom/dad.”

Why it’s harmful: This statement can make your child feel like a mistake or unwanted, since they are the product of your relationship. It can wound their sense of self-worth and belonging.

What to do instead: Affirm that, despite the challenges, you are grateful for your child and that they are a positive outcome of your relationship.

6. “Your mom/dad is crazy (or negative label).”

Why it’s harmful: Using derogatory language about your coparent’s mental health or behavior can frighten your child and make them anxious about their own well-being or future. It can also stigmatize mental health issues.

What to do instead: Avoid labels. If your coparent has mental health challenges that have been properly diagnosed by a professional who has met them, not due to your own beliefs or consultation with those who have not met them, explain their situation in age-appropriate ways, and focus on supporting your child’s feelings.

7. “Your mom/dad doesn’t pay for anything.”

Why it’s harmful: Discussing financial disputes with your child burdens them with adult concerns and can create loyalty conflicts or anxiety about money.

What to do instead: Keep financial matters between adults. Reassure your child that both parents are working to provide for them.

8. “Don’t tell your mom/dad about this.”

Why it’s harmful: Asking your child to keep secrets puts them in a difficult position and can erode trust with both parents. It teaches them that secrecy is acceptable and may lead to anxiety or guilt.

What to do instead: Foster open communication. If something needs to be kept private, it’s likely not appropriate to involve your child.

9. “Your mom/dad is always late/never shows up.”

Why it’s harmful: Criticizing your coparent’s reliability can make your child feel let down, anxious, or responsible for the other parent’s actions. It can also damage their hope and trust in relationships.

What to do instead: Acknowledge your child’s feelings if they’re disappointed, but avoid blaming. Say, “I know you’re sad. Sometimes plans change, but both of us love you.”

10. “I’m the only one who really loves you.”

Why it’s harmful: Claiming exclusive love forces your child to choose sides and can make them feel guilty for loving both parents. It can also create unhealthy dependency and emotional confusion.

What to do instead: Encourage your child’s relationship with both parents. Say, “You are lucky to have so many people who love you.”

Why It Matters:

Children thrive when they feel safe, loved, and free to have positive relationships with both parents. Negative comments about your coparent can cause emotional harm, loyalty conflicts, and long-term relationship issues. Instead, focus on supporting your children’s relationship with both parents, and seek help from professionals if you’re struggling to manage your feelings.

Remember:

Your child deserves the best from both parents. Protect their emotional health by keeping adult issues between adults, and always speak respectfully about your coparent in front of your child.

What does a Parenting Coordinator do in Missouri?

In Missouri, after a court enters a parenting plan, parents frequently have difficulty making agreements. A parenting coordinator (“PC”) can help. The PC helps parents reach agreements on important matters, such as medical, extracurricular activities, and scheduling issues. If parents cannot reach an agreement, the PC can make decisions for them.

A PC’s role is like that of a mediator, but the PC can go beyond facilitating conversations. The PC can make binding decisions quickly, especially in urgent situations, such as medical care for a child or an imminent schedule dispute or change. Courts often take months to resolve issues that a PC can resolve in days.

When is a Parenting Coordinator appropriate?

A PC appointment order may be entered along with a judgment that includes a parenting plan, and when parents are in high conflict and have difficulty agreeing, where there have been repeated legal actions, or when mental health or substance abuse monitoring is appropriate.  

How can a Parenting Coordinator help?

Limitations.

A PC cannot:

Benefits of a Parenting Coordinator.

A PC can reduce stress in a high-conflict divorce by acting as a mediator and decision-maker. Other benefits include:

How does it work?

PCs can only be appointed by agreement of the parents and with an order signed by them, the PC, and the court.  

As part of the collaborative process, you can:

Conclusion.

A Parenting Coordinator can help parents resolve ongoing parenting issues without the need for repeated court intervention. The Parenting Coordinator can handle issues the court is not able to address and offers timely, cost-effective, and child-focused solutions. Parenting coordination promotes a less adversarial co-parenting dynamic, reduces the burden on courts, and ensures the child’s best interests remain the parents’ central focus.